tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66691688021319514282024-03-13T15:23:04.741-07:00EASY LIVINGoregon, utah, fiji, d.c., manhattan, utah.Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.comBlogger401125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-10143020364106500362020-10-06T12:52:00.004-07:002020-10-06T12:52:38.677-07:00Why can't/don't we tell guys to f*ck off?<p> I don't want to make a sweeping generalization with this statement, but I will say that in my experience — and the experiences of the many men and women I've spoken to about this topic — dudes just don't understand the feeling. It's a non-issue for them. </p><p>What feeling am I talking about? </p><p>Today I went to Harbor Freight to pick up some tools for a project I'm working on. After gathering my goods, I stood in line to wait for the next available cashier. Since we're in a pandemic, there were markings on the floor showing where each waiting customer should stand. I stood 6 feet behind the guy in front of me, as indicated by the black and yellow tape. The guy behind me was not. He was close to me. And not just close for it being a pandemic, but too close in general. I could feel him just inches behind me. I did the classic head turn and took an additional step forward. He shuffled closer. I did it again. So did he.</p><p>I was miserable and mad. Dude, we're in a pandemic! Don't stand so close to me! Also, don't stand so close to people in general, it's rude! Thoughts of frustration raced through my mind and instead of telling this guy where he could shove it, or even politely asking him to step back, I did nothing. It wasn't that I was afraid he was going to hurt me. I mean, we were in public. There were people all around. It was 11 am on a Tuesday. It wasn't due to a safety concern that I didn't say anything. </p><p>When it was my turn to check out, I stepped forward and turned around to give him a dirty look. By the way, he of course was wearing his mask just over his mouth and not his nose. So not only was he giving me the creeps, he was probably also giving me the COVID. (I really hated him.)</p><p>My friend and I joke about how no one would ever accuse me of being agreeable. I tend to be...outspoken. I often don't give a shit what people think about me and while I'd like to be perceived as a sweet lady, I'm not going to bend over backwards when I don't want to. But none of that applied to this situation — or any of the many similar situations I've been in where I respond the same way. For some inexplicable (is it inexplicable?) reason, I don't confront men behaving badly. One could argue that this guy wasn't being rude, he was just an idiot. That's...generous. And perhaps it's true. But this isn't the only time I've felt frozen in these situations. It happens all the time. If I had to put a number on it, I'd say it occurs at least twice a month. This is what happens: a guy does something that makes me feel uncomfortable; and I don't do or say anything. I feel incapable, paralyzed, embarrassed, then mad at myself for not honoring my feelings. </p><p>I hate that this happens to me. And I hate that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Women everywhere, WHY can't we tell bastards when they're behaving badly? Why do we feel the need to be silent and/or accommodating when they're in our space and being inappropriate? Whyyyyyy? I think I know the reason we started out this way; but we're getting older, men are being held responsible for their actions (at least more than they used to be), we are strong women who would tell our girlfriends, sisters and daughters to stand up for themselves. And yet, when it's happening to us, in that moment, we shrink. And I hate it. </p>Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-34049183336364545682019-10-21T13:56:00.001-07:002019-10-21T13:56:20.557-07:00Fostering is easy. Parenting is hard.
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People always ask me how being a foster mom is going.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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I’ve got a really good kid. Most of the “issues” that arise are not specific to her tumultuous background, they’re behaviors you’d expect to see from any 10-year-old. And they’re few and far between. I got lucky. So it’s not the foster portion of foster parenting that’s giving me a run for my money. It’s parenting…alone.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Have you ever been convinced that something your kid is doing is totally abnormal? And with the help of the internet you become certain that your child is either on their death bed or a sociopath? That’s when your parenting partner can tell you that the kid is fine, you’re the one who’s crazy.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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I don’t have that. I don’t mean this in a self-deprecating way, it’s just how it is: I am left to my own devices. Of course I have friends, family and an amazing support group, but they’re not in my house, hour after hour, day after day. So as much as I try to explain the situation, it’s not the same as having someone there, experiencing it with you.</div>
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I acknowledge that this is a choice I made. But I have a new appreciation for single parents. In addition to the aforementioned attribute of parenting alone, there’s also the fact that you never. have. time. for. yourself. Even with spouses who are reluctant to help with the kiddos, they’re still <i>there</i>. You can go for a late-night grocery store run while they stay home with the sleeping monsters. You can sneak away for a minute to hit the gym. Or you can tell them that you’re taking a few hours off to get a massage because you’ve spent every waking hour washing dishes, making meals, doing hair, folding laundry and even…gulp…clipping toenails.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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And then there’s the guilt. Yes, I could technically make her stay at the after-school program a little longer while I enjoy some “me” time. But then I’ll feel bad. And if I get a babysitter, I try to get home as quickly as possible to both save money and not feel like I’m abandoning my duties.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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As someone who has always believed in parents needing to care for themselves before they care for their children, I’m shocked that I’ve fallen into the mental trap that has damaged mothers for decades. But it’s there: the mom guilt. I know I shouldn’t let it permeate. I know I’m doing a good job. I know I deserve time to myself. But like most caregivers, I can’t bring myself to do it. I wish I knew why.</div>
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So in my limited experience, parenting a foster kid isn’t hard. It’s parenting [alone] that’s difficult.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-23525059511325100622019-09-16T09:35:00.003-07:002019-09-16T09:50:44.855-07:00Who is this little person?<style type="text/css">
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Being a foster parent is weird.</div>
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I find myself fiercely protecting the child while at the same time, I’m quietly questioning her. But maybe that’s just love. You do everything in your power to ensure that others won’t hurt the one you love while you wonder if they’re hurting themselves — or could even hurt you. </div>
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I've realized that for me, the hardest part about fostering is not that I've lost any semblance of a social life or that she puts her shoes on at a glacial pace and I'm subsequently late to work every day. The hardest part is that I don’t know her. I know what time she wakes up, her favorite outfit and her go-to afternoon snack but I don’t actually know anything about this person. I’m constantly surprised by her. Sometimes in a good way and sometimes not. And every time she does something that catches me off guard, I'm reminded that I don’t know her at all. Is she who she seems to be and these little instances are one-offs? Or is she pretending to be something she's not and these moments are glimpses into who she actually is? Or is it a bit of both? Perhaps she’s not as one-dimensional as she seems, or as I want her to be, and she can be funny and sweet and scared with a little bit of darkness and mean.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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I haven't known her since she took her first breath. I didn't see her first steps. I don't know if she was cuddled until she fell asleep or if her caretakers let her cry it out. Was she spanked, ignored or taught an important lesson when she misbehaved? Did she cry when she got hurt or or was she coached to keep a brave face? The emotional mapping of this child is a mystery to me.<br />
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So yeah, being a foster parent is weird. I'm not sure how to discipline, incentivize, reward or provide emotional support to a kid I really don't know.Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-15594264113609608172019-09-04T15:33:00.001-07:002019-09-04T19:23:39.646-07:00The language we use.The epitome of selfless.<br /><br />That’s my coworker just called me. He clearly doesn’t know me. I do not share food, it aggravates me when someone uses my hairbrush and when asked who has chapstick, I’m the last to volunteer mine. I am extremely selfish. <br /><br />But “selfless” is the word people tend to use when they discover I have a fifth grader living in my house. They’re always so impressed, like I’ve donated a kidney to a stranger or agreed to give my life savings to an animal shelter. Selfless feels like too generous of a word. <br /><br />Would it be selfless if I had my own 10-year-old? Would it be selfless if I inherited the nugget through a marriage? At what point does it become selfless? I guess it’s because I have no familial relation or “obligation” to this little human. But even still, it just felt like something I should do. I’m not doing it to be selfless. I’m certainly not doing it for the money. And if I were doing it just for companionship, well...read the previous post. It’s just a thing I did because it felt right. <br /><br />And by the way, I’ve got it easy. There are people out there who have their own small batch of children and still take on foster kids. There are people who have already raised their ankle-biters and come back for a second round of parenting through foster care. And there are people who exclusively foster children who have serious medical, behavioral or physical limitations. These people are the real heroes. I’m just a single gal with an extra bedroom in her house who thought it would be an adventure to let a kid move in.<br /><br />Don't get me wrong. When you find out someone is a foster parent, it’s nice to give them kudos. They’re doing great work (if they’re one of the good ones). And they probably wouldn’t mind a gift card to Amazon to buy the kid ankle socks because she insists on wearing long socks with capri sweatpants and her new Nikes. But you don’t have to flood them with praise; just help them if they need help and let them know you're there if they need support.<br /><br />But that’s my personal preference. I just feel inauthentic accepting “selfless” as a word that describes me. But I have another sensitivity to the language used regarding my experience with fostering. <br /><br />I don’t like when people call me Mom or refer to her as my daughter. <br /><br />I’m her legal guardian or foster mom. She has a mother and many women who have taken care of her throughout her life. I don’t feel like the title should be assigned to whoever is washing her laundry that week. I absolutely treat her like I would treat my daughter and I expect my family to welcome her with open arms, but I want to be careful with labels. My brothers and sisters are not her aunts and uncles. My nieces and nephews are not her cousins. And my mom is not her grandma.<br /><br />Why does it matter? I believe that using these terms does a disservice to her in two ways. One: it’s disregarding her own family. I have no intentions of erasing her history or replacing her family with my own. While her background is more unique and probably less pleasant than most kids', it's hers. She has loved and been loved and while I hope to be part of her story, I'm not about to rip out any chapters or cross out any names and replace them with my own. Her mom is her mom. If/when she wants to use that moniker for someone else, that's her decision.<br /><br />Two: it has the potential to be misleading. When it comes to foster care, nothing is certain. I don’t know how long she’s staying with me. I don't even know if she'll still be with me tomorrow. Lord knows she’s had enough trauma. So no, I don't want her to think my family is her forever family when that might not be the case. It's kinda shitty to think of it that way, isn't it? Think how shitty it is for her.Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-90340868759533160742019-09-03T10:49:00.002-07:002019-09-03T11:15:30.321-07:00The power imbalance. <br />
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At the beginning of every relationship, people are on their best behavior. When you get a new job, you dress nice and make sure to show up on time every day. When you start dating someone, you are forgiving of their flaws and let them choose the movie. It’s no different for a foster parent and a foster child. The parent is loving, gentle and generous with imperfections and unwanted behaviors. And the child is on their best behavior, putting their best foot forward and trying to please the parent. But then something changes and the honeymoon ends. You get comfortable and your less-than-desirable habits and pet peeves start to surface. I don’t think this is bad necessarily. After all, it’s where you start to explore whether or not the relationship is a good fit for both parties. <br />
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This is where I’m at with my kiddo. She’s started to be a butthead, and so have I. Nothing major from either of us (yet) but we’re both a little less patient and a little more selfish. Most relationships have a balance of power: your boss needs your skill set and you need a job. You want to be with your partner and they equally want to be with you (ideally). But in my case, in the situation of a foster parent with a foster child, the parent has all the power. Because the truth is, you can decide at any time to “return” them. It’s awful, I know. The very notion that people would send children back into the system is repulsive. And the idea that we, the foster parents, have that kind of leverage is terrifying. Let me provide this caveat: we don’t want to. Our goal as foster parents — and yes, I’m speaking on behalf of all foster parents everywhere, throughout all of history — is to keep the kids in our home. Our goal is to provide a safe environment for children who have had a tumultuous background to learn, grow and be set up for a successful future. So when it isn’t a good fit, for whatever reason, let us not judge the foster parents who make the difficult decision to have a child removed from their home. I’m sure it’s traumatic and heartbreaking for everyone.<br />
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That fear of being “sent back,” I think that fear looms over every foster child. I imagine it’s very scary. I assume it makes them feel unwanted and unloved. The power imbalance is real, and the person who is at risk of the most suffering is the child.<br />
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So what would you do? If you were living somewhere where you knew they could get rid of you at anytime? Would you be on your best behavior at all times? Walk on eggshells and hope your presence isn’t too strong or too troubling? Or would you want the inevitable to just happen? They’re going to get rid of you eventually, you might as well make it happen sooner rather than later. After all, then you won’t get too attached and feel too comfortable; it’ll hurt less. Rip the band-aid off quickly. If you’re reading this, I assume you’re an adult. And you’re thinking about what you would do. But you’re using your adult brain. What if you were a kid? What if you were a kid and this wasn’t your first, second or even third home? What if, when that move inevitably happens, you only get to take a few outfits and a teddy bear? Then you’re introduced to a new set of parents, new sibling roommates, a new teacher, new classmates, new friends, new expectations.<br />
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Can you even imagine the stress? I’d like to think I’m a generally carefree person, but this stresses even me out. How could you ever feel safe? How would you ever become settled? Let’s also remember the court hearings, the frequently cancelled family visits, the mandatory therapy and the belief that your parents didn’t love you enough to keep you. (Of course this isn’t true, but it <i>feels</i> true to you.)<br />
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This is a letter to myself. I need to keep all of this in mind when my little foster is misbehaving. Because it’s easy to forget. They look so normal. So when they lie, forget to do their homework, refuse to make their bed, stick their nose up at the dinner you’ve prepared, etc., it’s easy to want to treat them like a “normal” kid. And you should — to some extent. They need boundaries, they should be reminded to be respectful and just like everyone else, they’re going to have to eat their green beans.<br />
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But just keep in mind, Heather, where she comes from, the emotions and concerns that bubble under the surface and the power you have in determining her destiny. Consider how scared you would be. And remember that you need to balance your desire for a well-behaved child with the understanding that this kid has spent most of her life wondering what’s going to happen next. When you can, be an anchor. And when you can’t, put on some headphones and listen to your favorite podcast...in the bathtub...with a glass of wine.Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-55380600901435859662019-08-30T08:19:00.000-07:002019-08-30T13:38:20.290-07:00Invasion of privacy.Are parents allowed to snoop? If you had asked me 24 hours ago whether or not you, as a parent (or legal guardian), have the right to read journals, go through text messages and raid your kids' bedrooms, I would have encouraged you to go for it.<br />
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Which is why I read my kiddo's journal.<br />
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As a foster parent, I'm allocated a ton of support from a community of fellow fosterers, for which I am immensely thankful. I especially love the private Facebook group where I receive valuable — and nonjudgmental — feedback and ideas for my myriad of concerns and questions. So when I posted last night about the content of my little roommate's private book of thoughts, I was relieved to find helpful responses.<br />
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Because here's the thing: it was concerning. I won't go into details because that isn't fair to her (also maybe against the law?) but the words her little hands had scrawled put me into a state of shock and concern — I ran straight to my laptop to find out what my army of advisors had to say.<br />
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Most of them told me not to read her journal.<br />
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Um, what? I was doing it to help her. Don't I have a right to know what's going on in her little noggin? Won't that help me help her? When I was growing up my mother told me I had no right to privacy, which I accepted as a fact of life. As long as I was in her household she could (and maybe did? I have no idea.) go through my things. If she did, she never found anything salacious. But, perhaps my journals were censored because I knew they could be read. Could one argue that censorship in journals is bad? That maybe I would have been able to process my emotions better if I'd had at least one outlet where I could write all my mean, dirty, hateful thoughts?<br />
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I didn't have a cell phone when I lived under my mom's roof because smart phones were an idea of the future and the giant bricks with antennas were reserved for busy dads who worked all day and could afford more than just a pager. If you're not familiar with pagers/beepers, you're too young to be reading this. But anyway, Tess doesn't have a cell phone because she's 10-years-old and I'm old-school. But if she did, would I go through her phone too?<br />
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Is snooping through a journal and a phone the same thing? What about emails? Notes from friends? Letters to teachers, therapists, other parents, siblings? Where do we draw the line? I genuinely don't know.<br />
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The most valuable reply I received via my wonderful Facebook group was that reading her journal was more hurtful to me than helpful for her. While my intentions were good, I agree that with poster. Which is why I've changed my mind. I don't think we should read children's private thoughts. Please note: I do believe there are exceptions to every rule and if you think there are safety concerns, do it. Do everything you can to keep your little ones safe.<br />
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But I won't read it again. If I want to help her learn and grow and feel loved, that's not going to come from burning the midnight oil poring over her diary. It's going to come from building a relationship with her. A relationship where hopefully she'll feel comfortable and supported enough to share those thoughts with me (or another adult she trusts). Where she doesn't feel the need to keep them private and away from the world. Whatever she's thinking, it isn't bad. And if she wants to express herself on paper, who am I to disrupt her? Write on, little lady.Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-32863712621707386132019-08-28T21:07:00.000-07:002019-10-22T09:23:49.710-07:00There's a kid in my house.For those who know me, I tend to be a drifter. After college I moved to Fiji for a summer, then to Washington, D.C. for a year and when I got tired of the nation's capital, I quit my job, sold my car and moved to New York — with nowhere to live and no plans for employment. So the fact that I became a legal guardian of a 10-year-old just 19 days ago is as surprising as it seems.<br />
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Before I tell you all about my kid roommate, I'll give you the backstory of how she came to be in my custody. Custody, such a grown-up word. It all started a few years ago when I was brushing my teeth. I was living with my friend Rachel and one night in July 2017, I noticed white spots on my tongue. I leaned closer to the mirror for a better look. They were small and appeared harmless. I shrugged it off as something I ate that day. A few days later, however, there were more and they were more prominent. Wanting to believe I had developed some kind of allergy, I bought a different toothpaste. When the white spots had raised and become more bumps than spots, I gave in and went to the dentist.<br />
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I was leaned back in Dr. Holmberg's chair on July 27, 2017 (I'm a diligent journaller) when he informed me I should get a biopsy. I blinked a few times quickly to rid the tears that were welling up. He wrote down the name and number of a friend he trusted and when I made the call, they had an availability for the next day. They'd heard about me already. This was not encouraging. I laid in my bed that night and wondered if I should tell anyone. I told only my best friend and my older sister and requested they keep it to themselves. The whole thing felt deeply personal and I wanted the opportunity to process it on my own before getting the thoughts, opinions, concerns and prayers from loved ones.<br />
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I arrived for my biopsy bright and early. I remember being mad that something so harrowing was happening on such a beautiful day. The oral surgeon placed a long needle into my tongue and it soon felt heavy and swollen. Then there was a small scalpel, the taste of blood and a pat on the back accompanied by a prescription for painkillers. As I walked to my car with the arrogant sun shining down, I was surprised by how much it didn't hurt. Getting the side of my tongue sliced off wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it would be.<br />
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And then the anesthesia wore off. I drove straight to the pharmacy to load up on medication that would help me feel a little less like death. Holy hell my tongue hurt. When I approached the counter I realized I was going to have to speak. Though it had been a few hours since the biopsy I hadn't yet attempted to formulate any words. The woman in the white coat asked me what I needed. I placed the prescription on the counter and hoped that was enough. I don't remember what she asked me or how I responded but somehow I was crying and she was recommending a book for people with cancer. The reality of what the biopsy might say sunk in.<br />
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I cried as I took the pills, racking sobs because it hurt to swallow and I might have cancer. I started googling the survival rates of oral cancer and wondering what the hell I had been doing with my life. Sure I'd had fun but I was in my late twenties with nothing to show for it. No husband, no kids, no successful career; just a limited knowledge of Fijian and photos of friends visiting me in Manhattan.<br />
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The next few days sucked. And I mean that. If you didn't already know, your tongue is responsible for both talking and swallowing. So if it's swollen with stitches down the side, it's unlikely you'll do either successfully. The only nutrients I got those few days came from Top Ramen (I use the term nutrients lightly) that I purposely overcooked, then ate by tipping my head back so the noodles could slide easily down my throat. I sent graphic photos to the few people who knew about the situation. While the swelling had subsided, my tongue had turned a deep purple and the stitches were quite Frankenstein-like. I had to share my pain.<br />
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I made a Cancer Bucket List and there were only two things on it: Go to Ireland and to be a mom. With the uncertain results of the biopsy looming over me, I knew I was going to do both, no matter what.<br />
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For some reason, I didn't get a call from my doctor until August 7th. He got straight to the point: it wasn't cancer. He went on to tell me what it was but it was as if he was underwater. I was in the stairwell at work and drowning out the sound of his voice with soft sobs. It's not cancer. It's not cancer. I'm not going to die. I'd known the possibility had been weighing heavily on me for the past 10 days but I didn't truly understand how burdened I'd felt until the word "cancer" was gone.<br />
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I still don't know what those white spots were and I'm still mad I had to wait 10 days for the results — but I was cancer-free. And I was committed to checking those two items off my Cancer Bucket List. I was going to go to Ireland and somehow, I was going to become a mom.<br />
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I know you're only interested in the latter but let me first say that Ireland is amazing. If you ever get the chance to see the Cliffs of Moher, you should take it. The rolling hills of green, the terrifyingly treacherous roads, the heavy meals and the endearing accents — Ireland was all that I wanted and more.<br />
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How do you become a mom when you're a young professional who lives with two roommates and doesn't yet have a 401k? You foster. I started discussing the idea of fostering a kiddo the day after the biopsy came back clear. But on August 11th I took a hard left when I wrote in my 5-year diary that I wanted to live that #vanlife (I truly used the hashtag). But I came back around and on September 26th a woman from Utah Foster Care came over for the initial interview, which I passed — phew. The next several months included 3-hour evening classes where I sat in a room with couples (I was literally the only single person there) for foster parent training. We learned all about trauma, abuse, drug addiction, attachment issues, Utah child custody laws, caseworkers, Guardian ad Litems, court-appointed special advocates, locking up medication, therapy, reimbursement forms and the desperate need for healthy homes. The more trainings I attended, the more I wanted to do it.<br />
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Upon realizing I couldn't bring a kid into the home I lived in with two roommates and frequent Airbnb guests, I started house hunting. And on January 10, 2018, I bought a small house just west of downtown Salt Lake City. I was doing it. That cancer scare got me good and I was no longer going to live a life of impromptu flights and last-minute road trips (or moves). The first few months of homeownership were a whirlwind. I had to replace my water heater, install double-pane windows and upgrade my hall radiator to a furnace and ductwork. These things were necessary as it wasn't uncommon to wake up with ice on the inside of the windows and the thermostat reading in the low 40s. I kept up with the home projects as well as the training and after several months of both, I was ready. The state of Utah had deemed me an appropriate adult to place a child with (what the actual hell?) and I was confident I could keep the house at a safe temperature for a little one.<br />
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So I waited. And waited. I started wondering if the foster program forgot about me; it had been months and I'd yet to receive a call. I saw billboards and heard radio commercials about the need for foster parents but here I was, ready and licensed, and still waiting. I didn't think my preferences were too restrictive; I was open to any kid over the age of 5 and didn't care about gender, race or religion.<br />
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I finally got a call for a teenage girl and hearing her story broke my heart. I agreed to meet her and even though I felt like I was only a few years her senior, I was ready to open my home to her. Circumstances changed and it wasn't the right fit. I was back to standing by the phone. Another call came for another teenage girl. I met her too and came to the realization that I didn't yet have the skill set to care for a teenager.<br />
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A few more months went by until I got a call about a 10-year-old girl. I met Tess (Not her real name, I know the rules.) on August 3, 2019. I thought there would be some sort of cosmic connection, that I would just <i>know</i> when I saw her. That didn't happen. She was a slender, gangly girl with greasy hair and a soft voice. We went for a short walk and trying to get her to talk was like pulling teeth. Kids usually love me but this girl was making me work for it. The whole encounter felt so unnatural, like deciding if you want to marry someone on a blind date.<br />
<br />
I felt conflicted as I drove home. I had really hoped there would be a magical feeling and there wasn't. I reflected on our conversation over and over again, looking for indications of whether or not we'd be a good fit. Where was my gut when I needed it? I spoke with her caseworker, read her file and did everything I could to investigate the background of someone who had been born in 2009. I decided to just go for it. After all, I like to live life on the edge (re: moving to an island in the Pacific without knowing a single soul).<br />
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August 9, 2019: There's a kid in my house. The drop-off was quick and painless. She sat nervously on the couch biting her fingernails while I suggested things to do. I had to lean in close to hear her say that she'd like to go back-to-school shopping at Walmart. We went to my least favorite store of all time (I'm already such a sacrificial parent) and picked up markers, notebooks, glue sticks and a few groceries. We ordered pizza on the way home and when she mentioned she wasn't familiar with Julia Roberts, I knew my mission. We ate pineapple pizza and watched the first 15 minutes of <i>Runaway Bride </i>before I realized the plot was going over her head. It was bedtime anyway so I turned off the TV, watched her brush her teeth and asked if she wanted me to tuck her in. She didn't.<br />
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I laid in my bed thinking how crazy it was that there was a pre-teen across the hall and <i>I</i> was responsible for her. Had I made a grave mistake? What the hell was I going to do with a kid? Who trusted me with a kid? I couldn't sleep and it turned out, neither could she. Like every movie featuring a creepy child, I saw her shadow at the end of my bed. I suppressed my desire to tell her that standing quietly in someone's dark bedroom is freaky as hell. When she whispered that she couldn't sleep, I gave her a few options. She chose to watch cartoons on my laptop in my bed. It was well past 2 a.m. before I fell asleep and sometime after that she returned to her room.<br />
<br />
It's been 19 days since our first night together and I'm happy to report that she no longer needs "menatonin" to fall asleep and hits the sack at an appropriate hour. After all, she has school in the morning. I've been surprised at how dramatically my life hasn't changed — but I acknowledge we may very well be in the honeymoon stage. She's made a few friends on our street, likes her teacher, does her chores (when she remembers) and is always game to hang out with my friends. When she's not painfully shy she can be loud and playful and like tonight, a little annoying. Her attempt to give me a "flat tire" on our walk was actually just an abundance of not-so-soft kicks to my heels.<br />
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I haven't had to discipline her yet as she's quick to catch herself and apologize. Tonight she said "damn" for the first time. Should she be in trouble? Can someone please tell me? And while you're at it, I'd love to know how many gogurts are too many, whether she can have her bedroom door closed when friends are over, how to get her to communicate when she refuses to speak, how/if to talk to her about puberty and sex, why she can't stay home alone despite the fact she's done it before, if it's okay to let her listen to music with bad words, the importance of being honest and why she can't live with her family right now.<br />
<br />
Things I've learned so far:<br />
<ul>
<li>I get to use the carpool lane!</li>
<li>She needs more sleep than I anticipated.</li>
<li>Sarcasm is not her thing.</li>
<li>My jokes, in general, are not her thing.</li>
<li>She likes a routine.</li>
<li>She will eat all of her gummy vitamins if I don't hide them.</li>
<li>She's never read Harry Potter or seen Lizzie McGuire.</li>
<li>She likes to fall asleep to white noise.</li>
<li>She remembers everything.</li>
<li>She wants to be independent.</li>
<li>She is not a morning person.</li>
<li>She doesn't like when I touch her.</li>
<li>She does like Taylor Swift's new album.</li>
<li>She knows how to make a mean grilled cheese.</li>
<li>She "just wants to live in one place and stay in that same place."</li>
</ul>
Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-81617149275236816352017-11-11T17:31:00.002-08:002017-11-13T13:49:56.940-08:00The 51st Annual CMA Awards<span style="font-family: inherit;">While most awards shows start with a bang, the 51st Annual CMA Awards begins on a dark stage, with a faint spotlight on Eric Church. Sitting on a stool and holding a guitar, he begins singing "Amazing Grace" a capella. It's no secret that I want to hate Eric Church. I hate the damn sunglasses he insists on wearing indoors and more importantly, I've never forgiven him for the following statement:</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Honestly, if Blake Shelton and Cee Lo Green f---ing turn around in a red chair, you got a deal? That's crazy. I don't know what would make an artist do that. You're not an artist...Once your career becomes about something other than the music, then that's what it is. I'll never make that mistake. I don't care if I f---ing starve. </i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">to which Miranda Lambert, who got her start on CMT's <i>Nashville Star,</i> responded: </span></span></span></div>
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<i style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> Thanks Eric Church for saying I'm not a real artist.You're welcome for the tour in 2010.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Get it, girl. </span><span style="background-color: white;">But I digress. I'm not Eric's biggest fan, but he puts out damn good music and his performance right now is nothing less than moving. Eric, just take off your sunglasses and apologize for all your stupid comments and I promise to buy every album you've put out. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Darius Rucker and Keith Urban are performing Hootie & The Blowfish's "Hold My Hand," how appropriate. Keith always has a boyish mullet but tonight it's a little too long. Time to let one of your daughters take her scissors to those golden locks, buddy. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">The lights are turned on and they're joined by Lady Antebellum. Charles Kelley, so talented and so handsome. They're doing a great job and this song is a catchy trip down memory lane, but there was rumor that the first song of the night would be a really big deal. I was expecting Carrie, Dolly, Tim, George, Miranda and Garth singing a traditional hymn with black and white photos of the Las Vegas victims on a screen behind them. But this is fine too, I guess.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">Wait, they're bringing out the big guns - Brooks & Dunn!!! amongst other lovely talented artists - but this crowdpleaser seems like an afterthought. They guys should have been there since the beginning of the song and it should have been a better song, in my humble opinion.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">Brad and Carrie are hosting again, which I'm cool with. Please note that Carrie is in <span style="color: purple;"><b>OUTFIT #1</b></span> and it's not great. What is this cape situation? I hate it. I predict that Carrie sports seven different dresses/jumpsuits tonight. Holy cow, that girl's legs. If I could have legs like her but it required exercise and clean eating, I wouldn't do it - obviously.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">They're singing a song dumping on Trump, which I love. Brad is the better actor of the two hosts, but every time Carrie sings - wow. </span><span style="background-color: white;">They mention P!nk being in the crowd, which I support because I love her.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">Yes! They made fun of Eric Church's sunglasses - I've been doing that for yearrrrrs. Welcome to the right side, Carrie and Brad.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">Tim and Faith have now joined the pair onstage and while Tim is aging like a fine wine, Faith is not looking good. She is unusually thin and generally looks unhealthy. Faith, eat a cheeseburger! </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Ruby Rose and Brittany Snow are presenting the first award and Ruby has too much going on to be wearing that dress. With her kickass haircut and tattooed arms, that glittery dress is so chaotic that I just want to look away. Ruby, do us both a favor and wear something more simple in the future, thanks. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: magenta;">SINGLE OF THE YEAR:</span></b><span style="background-color: white;"> I'm guessing it goes to "Better Man" by Little Big Town, written by T. Swift. It's really a beautiful song and well-deserving of the award, but I wouldn't mind "Tin Man" taking the trophy. Huh? Keith Urban's "Blue Ain't Your Color" won and I'm a little flabbergasted. Don't get me wrong, I love that song, but it's not the same caliber as the other two. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;"><b>0 Right, 1 Wrong</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">"Most amazing artist on the planet" has been attributed to Keith Urban? Mmmm...</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Back from commercial and Carrie is in </span><b><span style="color: purple;">OUTFIT #2</span>,</b><span style="background-color: white;"> which is also ugly. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Thomas Rhett is now singing and I am completely apathetic toward this guy musically, I don't love or hate any of his music. As for him as a person, I'm not really into the fact that he splashes his family all over social media. Tons of artists do it and I don't love when any celebrity does. It's not personal, Thomas. </span><span style="background-color: white;">Bobby Bones! I love him and listen to his podcast. Also, Karlie Kloss' dress is beautiful.</span></span><br />
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<b style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: magenta;">SONG OF THE YEAR:</span></b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Once again I'm guessing the award goes to LBT's "Better Man" but I do think "Tin Man" is also deserving. Andddddd I'm right! I love them so much, they just seem like good people. If I had to guess, I'd say that Karen Fairchild is the "get 'er done" kind and is the boss of the group. I also imagine Kimberly is as sugary sweet as she seems. I'm glad that song won because it's great but also because Taylor Swift is keeping a pulse on country music and I like that. Someday she'll return to the right side. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;"><b>1 Right, 1 Wrong </b></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Dierks Bentley and Rascal Flatts are singing Montgomery Gentry's "My Town" to honor the late Troy Gentry. I love the idea behind it, I just don't think they're doing the song justice. Wait, Eddie Montgomery has come out to join them and appropriately received a standing ovation. Troy's unexpected passing was very sad and I'm pleased they're honoring him at the awards. Now that Eddie's up there I'm loving this performance and even getting teary-eyed. OMG it just panned over to Troy's widow and daughter and it's so sad. My favorite moment of the night so far. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Kelsea Ballerini is lucky enough to perform with Reba, who is lucky enough to have not aged since 1995.</span></span><br />
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<b style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: purple;">OUTFIT #3</span> </b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">and wtf Carrie. Fortunately for you, readers, I can't find a photo of the front of the dress, but it's somehow worse than the back.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Luke Bryan is singing his new single "Light It Up" and let me be clear: I do not like his voice, his stupid dance moves or the majority of his songs. However, he is somehow one of the most endearing dudes in country music. So whatever, I like him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Carrie just introduced Miranda as "the Thelma to [my] Louise" and if that's really true, I should start liking Carrie more. I just can't imagine camouflage-wearing, truck-driving, hunting activist Miranda as hanging out with the very religious, vegan and seemingly prissy Carrie. Maybe I'm wrong.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">You hear that steel guitar? Miranda's bringing back traditional country with "To Learn Her" and I'm delighted. I do wish they'd turn Miranda's mic up or turn Gwen (her backup singer)'s down, I feel like her vocals are getting lost and that's a damn shame. A standing ovation? Atta girl.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Jason Ritter is presenting and I have a huge crush on him. Maybe it stems from his role as Mark Cyr on the amazing show <i>Parenthood</i> - seriously, watch it - but the crush is there and he's looking extra adorable tonight. And he has ties to country music? Mmmhmm.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: magenta;">NEW ARTIST OF THE YEAR:</span></b> I think it's between Lauren Alaina and Jon Pardi and since I love his song "Head Over Boots" and I think "Heartache on the Dance Floor" is catchy, I'm going to guess Jon. Whoo hoo! Not only do I like his music but I'm ecstatic he's wearing a cowboy hat and glittery suit, that's country! Take note, FGL.</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">2 Right, 1 Wrong</span></b><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: inherit;"><b>OUTFIT #4</b></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> is another bad one.</span><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4Xy1dY9vguI/Wgd0LMlgPMI/AAAAAAAAC-I/4R5DCqIIP6A3xnkjXU_2mKdGFqZ-VbnKACLcBGAs/s1600/gettyimages-872130678.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4Xy1dY9vguI/Wgd0LMlgPMI/AAAAAAAAC-I/4R5DCqIIP6A3xnkjXU_2mKdGFqZ-VbnKACLcBGAs/s640/gettyimages-872130678.jpg" width="426" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Garth Brooks is performing his single "Ask Me How I Know" - which I love. I've had the privilege of seeing him perform live on two separate occasions and both were magical. When he sings "Callin' Baton Rouge," the energy in the crowd is palpable, it's awesome. Meanwhile, who is this little dude singing with him?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Holy cow, he's not singing live!! Garth! He's getting older, he's touring a lot and maybe he just wanted it to be perfect for television. I forgive him but I'm not sure everyone else will. Darnie.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I guess I like <b><span style="color: purple;">OUTFIT #5</span> </b>best on account of hating it the least.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Brothers Osbourne are performing and I feel extremely neutral about them. You know what? I've changed my mind, I like them. See? I <i>can</i> be flexible, I just consistently choose to hate some artists.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Tyler Perry is here to talk about Charlie Pride and finding some common ground. Good for him, good for the CMA's.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: magenta;">ALBUM OF THE YEAR:</span> </b>As previously mentioned on my Facebook, I'm a bit nervous that Miranda is up against Chris Stapleton for this category because he is a solid contender. I really want her to get it but I think he might. However, I've learned not to bet against my girl so I'm guessing Miranda and I'm wrong. Well deserved Chris, your album really is amazing.</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">2 Right, 2 Wrong</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Tim and Faith are performing the title song from their duet album, "For the Rest of Our Life." A classy performance by a classy couple.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm not really sure why P!nk is performing at the CMA's but I'm not mad about it. Let's just acknowledge that despite being a pop star with songs that don't always demonstrate her skill level, she's actually hella talented.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: purple;"><b>OUTFIT #6</b></span> just no.</span><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qALGsUz0Ct0/Wgd-pjO7TzI/AAAAAAAAC-k/whtjzBAoRPwGb4LrdHgOpgXgKrmtCufSgCLcBGAs/s1600/gettyimages-871867010.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1064" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qALGsUz0Ct0/Wgd-pjO7TzI/AAAAAAAAC-k/whtjzBAoRPwGb4LrdHgOpgXgKrmtCufSgCLcBGAs/s640/gettyimages-871867010.jpg" width="424" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Old Dominion is singing "No Such Thing as a Broken Heart" and while I love this song and I'm now a fan of these guys, I'd prefer if they threw on some cowboy hats and fringe. Whatdya say, guys?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Mike and Amy from KWJJ won Broadcast Personalities of the Year in their market, which is my hometown of Portland, Oregon. Cool!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">LBT is doing "Wichita Lineman" to honor the late Glen Campbell and can you hear those harmonies? Goodness gracious, they're talented.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sugarland! I love seeing those two back together again. They're teasing new music, yes please! As much as I love Jennifer, I'm going to go ahead and award worst dress of the night right now.</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: inherit;"><b>VOCAL DUO OF THE YEAR:</b></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> I like Dan & Shay the most, but I fear they haven't been doing much in the past year to win this award. I think Brothers Osborne are going to take it for the second year in a row. Alright, I'm right! I take back what I said about not being dressed for the genre, they've changed their clothes and are now appropriately attired.</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">3 Right, 2 Wrong</span></b><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: inherit;"><b>OUTFIT #7</b> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">is not horrible.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Chris Stapleton is performing with his wife (adorable) and while I hate jumping on a bandwagon, even I have to admit that he really is as brilliant as everyone praises him to be.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Maren Morris is singing "I Could Use a Love Song" with Niall Horan and her hair is...not great. I can't find a picture but you'll just have to trust me here. It's wet and stringy, not in a sexy ocean-hair way but more in a junior high forgot-to-wash-my-hair-for-eleven-days way. But I liked the performance!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: purple;"><b>OUTFIT #8</b> </span>deserves some applause. This is her performance outfit and I LOVE when she comes onstage in these extravagant dresses to sing an amazing ballad. I'm ready, Carrie.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">That was a beautiful performance, truly impressive. I may make fun of Carrie Underwood but I know she's extremely talented and I appreciate when she reigns her skills to perform songs like this one. Tonight she performed "Softly and Tenderly" in a memoriam tribute to those who lost their lives this year, including the victims of the Las Vegas attack. She got choked up when their photos were displayed behind her and struggled to finish the song. If you watch one performance from this year's CMA's, please let it be this one. Well done, Carrie.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Remember how I wanted a hymn with black and white photos of the Las Vegas victims? Got it. Now wipe your eyes and pinch your cheeks, we're moving on.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Brett Eldredge is presenting an award right now and in case you forgot how handsome he is, here's a reminder.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: magenta;">VOCAL GROUP OF THE YEAR:</span></b><span style="font-family: inherit;"> This is going to Little Big Town, no doubt. Sorry Lady Antebellum. Why is Rascal Flatts even nominated? Like, as a courtesy? Ooh, Zac Brown Band - they won't win but I do love their new album </span><i style="font-family: inherit;">Welcome Home. </i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Little Big Town won and as they gave their acceptance speech, Karen was uncomfortably sandwiched between Kimberly and Jimi. It's very funny and worth a visit to the YouTube. </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">4 Right, 2 Wrong</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Brad Paisley is doing his thing now. Remember how he was almost my brother-in-law? (Not really, but kinda.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: purple;"><b>OUTFIT #9</b></span> aaaaaand we're back to ugly. We had a nice little stint there. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Keith Urban is performing his new song "Female" which is a female empowerment song getting mixed reviews from critics, mostly because the lyrics suck. But the idea is nice!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The standing ovation may be a little more about the message than the song itself, but it's nice to see that country music is supporting the sentiment. And I'm VERY glad that no sexual allegations have been brought up against any of these guys. Please don't tell me Zac Brown or Garth have been groping backup singers. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: magenta; font-weight: bold;">FEMALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR: </span>Miranda is taking it home just like she has six times before (<span style="background-color: white;">she actually set a record in 2015 when she won this award for the sixth consecutive year). Number 7! Atta girl. Her boobs are lookin' weird. Exhibit A:</span></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">5 Right, 2 Wrong</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Eric Church is now performing and I have nothing to say about it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: magenta; font-weight: bold;">MALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR: </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Trisha Yearwood is here to present this award to</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> Chris Stapleton. Yep, he's the winner. I almost feel bad for the other men in the category, he is stiff competition. </span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">6 Right, 2 Wrong</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: purple;"><b>OUTFIT #10</b></span> isn't good, either. Really a shame. They're here to present the newest inductee into the Country Music Hall of Fame and it's Alan Jackson - about damn time. </span></div>
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR:</span><span style="color: magenta; font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;"> </span>The Queen of Country Music, Reba McEntire, is here to present the biggest award of the night. <span style="font-family: inherit;">I don't think Chris Stapleton deserves it (yet) but I'm not sure who does. Why aren't any women nominated? Or any groups? I feel like LBT entertained us more than any of these nominees. Since I have to choose, I'm going to guess Keith Urban, but it's a very soft guess. Garth Brooks! I love the guy but does he deserve to be Entertainer of the Year two years in a row? That feels like a stretch. Either way, congrats Garth!</span></div>
<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">6 Right, 3 Wrong</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Please note: There was an <span style="color: purple;"><b>OUTFIT #11 </b></span>on the red carpet and it's not that bad. Would I wear it? Absolutely not, never. </span></div>
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Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-5521472215619451942017-10-26T20:25:00.000-07:002018-04-16T15:15:16.971-07:00I'm a writer now.Yep. I somehow convinced a marketing company that I'm good at writing stuffs and they now pay me to look through a thesaurus and be snarky - they PAY me for that! Suckers.<br />
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Anyway, the legendary Kenny Rogers has (finally) decided to retire and the country music industry held an evening to honor him last night. I was invited, of course, but couldn't make it because of a previous date I had scheduled with my friend Dick Wolf.<br />
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I did get the chance however, to watch a few videos of the event and was pleasantly surprised to see that my girl Idina was there. Once upon a time I told my friend Claire Morris that I wanted Sugarland and Sara Bareilles to tour together and THEY DID. And now Idina Menzel is performing with Lady Antebellum's Charles Kelley (whom I've met, btw and he was very nice) at a Kenny Rogers party in Nashville? It's a dream come true. Oh, and Kelly Clarkson going country? I had a part in that.<br />
My next dream? Adele on Broadway. Watch it happen, peeps.<br />
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<br />Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-39680272199048382852017-05-18T22:13:00.005-07:002017-05-18T22:13:56.511-07:00I once applied to a job with a poem.Once upon a time, I was given the opportunity to work with a four-time Tony award winning Broadway producer, without having any previous experience. I would like to think that it was this little ditty that sealed the deal: <br /><br />Saturday morning I stood in the long line<br />For rush seats to "Beautiful", the matinee time<br />10 o'clock came and I got to the front<br />There was only one left, I had a decision to confront<br />Should I ditch my friends and go alone<br />Or miss the show and stay in the good-friend zone?<br /><br />The choice wasn't hard, I get to see them all the time<br />It was "Beautiful" the musical, this was once in a lifetime!<br />I stood in the back, where my assignment was<br />And got ready to be amazed, to feel that Broadway buzz<br /><br />The lights went down and Carole King came on<br />Sitting at the piano and singing a lovely song<br />From that moment on, through intermission to the end<br />I loved the show, it was worth every penny I did spend<br />I walked out of the theater with a stupid grin on my face<br />It's a joy and thrill that only a great show can place<br /><br />You may think my experience in theatre is lacking<br />But I promise you, my passion for the field will keep me from slacking<br />I know I would do well being on your team<br />Because when it comes to the crop, I am the cream<br />Working in theatre would be a career switch<br />but I'm young, spry and I'll be a decision which<br />You won't regret, no, you'll be proud you gave<br />This girl a chance to chase her dream and be brave<br /><br />At my old job at Maple Lake, I quickly was promoted<br />I became the Residential Director, and once was even voted<br />“Employee of the Quarter for Outstanding Work”<br />because I tried my best and no responsibilities did I shirk<br />I oversaw the program, training and managing staff<br />Was a liaison with crew, parents and clients on behalf<br />of the department, so I had to be clear<br />Communication was important, I was polite and sincere<br /><br />As for this position, I know I'm the best fit<br />Who else wrote you a poem to demonstrate their commit?<br />I'll run every single errand you conjure up<br />I'll greet you in the morning with a coffee cup<br />I'll pick out all the skittles, the colors you don't like<br />I'll put cream cheese on your bagel and oil up your bike<br />when it rains outside, the umbrella I will hold<br />If you insist, you can have my coat when you're cold<br /><br />I'll be the best employee you ever did see<br />That you'll never want to be rid of me<br />I know this is unconventional, unprofessional at worst<br />but I'd like to stand out, not let my chance be submersed<br />Let me come interview and call my references<br />get to know me and you'll learn that I'm your preference<br />Thank you so much for the interview, in advance<br />I'm so grateful you're giving me a chance!Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-41787299661218919812017-05-18T21:51:00.005-07:002017-05-18T21:59:52.848-07:00Academy of Country Music Awards 2017<br />The ACM - Academy of Country Music Awards tonight.<br /><br />Starting the show off with Jason Aldean. Listen, I accept that he is part of the country music scene, I just don't like him. I do like, however, that all of the Entertainer of the Year nominees are opening up the show.<br /> <br />Luke Bryan is an adorable and handsome human with catchy songs. <br />Florida Georgia Line = gross. <br />Carrie Underwood has hot legs and a great voice and she always looks good, despite her sometimes questionable wardrobe choices. <br />Keith Urban was in my dream last night, I once grabbed his shoulder, and his accent is sexy as hell so I'm pretty happy whenever he is performing. <br /><br />Dierks Bentley and Luke are great hosts and are not bad to look at. The jokes about Keith Urban are hilarious and he and Nicole Kidman are adorable. Makes me think that I could be happy with a man shorter than me. <br /><br />Sam Hunt is handsome, I'll admit, but I hate his music.<br /><br />Dierks is now performing and yes he looks great in a white t-shirt and jeans, but I do wish he would have dressed up a bit more. I miss the George Strait days, call me old fashioned. <br /><br />SONG OF THE YEAR is going to go to "Die a Happy Man" by Thomas Rhett, though I acknowledge that Eric Church's "Kill a Word" is a great song. And of course, I love everything Miranda Lambert does. Chris Stapleton won't win this category, though I wouldn't be surprised if he swept the awards. <br /><br />1 right, 0 wrong<br /><br />I know a lot of people think that Kellie Pickler is annoying, but I think she's endearing! <br /><br />My friend Rachel Miles has come over to socialize so I will only be documenting the necessary so as to be a good host. <br /><br />VOCAL DUO OF THE YEAR is going to go to Florida Georgia Line, ugh. Yes, they lost! Brothers Osbourne, yay!!! Anyone but FGL!! <br /><br />1 right, 1 wrong<br /><br />Miranda is performing "Tin Man" from her newest album "The Weight of the Wings" and <br /><br />1. she looks great <br />2. she sounds great <br />3. this song is fantastic <br />4. this album is one of the best albums I've heard in a long time. <br /><br />I've said it before and I'll say it again, Miranda makes great music when Blake Shelton breaks her little heart. This acoustic performance is beautiful and heartbreaking. Love love love. That standing ovation was deserved!<br /><br />Rascal Flatts are performing and while I used to love them as much as the next person (in 2003), I haven't liked any of their songs of late. Get it together or get out of the game.<br /><br />Keith Urban is now performing and as previously mentioned, I adore him, despite his attempt to sport little boy hair in his old age. I could do without this weird black and white filter that is only showing blue. I get that it's supposed to bring about the ambience of the song (great song by the way!) but it's weird. Don't worry, I still love you, Keith.<br /><br />Carrie Underwood has come out to shimmy and perform her new song with Keith. I don't believe all that hair is hers. It looks good, but there seems to be too much body for it to be natural. This song is like a musical party, and I like it.<br /><br />Little Big Town - love them! I wish Karen wasn't wearing purple pants, but I love the song and I adore the band.<br /><br />Lady Antebellum is performing and all dem brass instruments make me love the song. <br /><br />VOCAL GROUP OF THE YEAR is going to Little Big Town a million times over. Rascal Flatts is nominated?? Interesting. Well done, LBT! <br /><br />2 right, 1 wrong<br /><br />Kelsea Ballerini forgot her pants.<br /><br />Chris Stapleton is a very talented dude. During his performance when the camera pans into the audience, we get a good look at Miranda's boyfriend, Anderson East chomping on his gum. Classy.<br /><br />Brett Eldridge is handsome but I'm not into him. And his suit is too shiny. WTF is happening with that contortionist woman on the table??<br /><br />Dierks Bentley's hair cut is niiiiice.<br /><br />ALBUM OF THE YEAR better go to Miranda for "The Weight of These Wings"!! YESSSSSS! This is a beautiful album and most certainly deserves this award. Also, she has won this award for every album she's released, literally no one has beat her for Album of the Year. She's badass. <br /><br />3 right, 1 wrong<br /><br />Faith Hill looks great! And Tim McGraw is showing all the men in this industry how you should dress when you perform at an awards show. Listen, you can wear your wife beaters and ripped jeans when you're holding a beer and performing your lackluster songs to an audience that has paid to see just you. But when you're on national television in a room full of your peers and those who have led the way before you, dress up you lazy sons of bitches. <div>
<br />Meanwhile, I aspire to have a love like Tim and Faith.<br /><br />VIDEO OF THE YEAR please be "Forever Country" because it's beautiful and I've watched it a minimum of 37 times. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and watch it right now. Yep, it won.<br /><br />4 right, 1 wrong<br /><br />Uh oh, Thomas Rhett lost his dress shoes and had to wear his running kicks for his performance, how embarrassing. And Maren Morris' dress looks like a mermaid got ready the prom and was attacked by scissors on her way there. Needless to say, it's not great. It's a good thing I like both of these kids.<br /><br />I was talking to Rachel during the introduction of this performance so I don't know who these suckers are that are trying to rap on the ACM stage but I'm not into it. Call me traditional, but let's just bring back Alan Jackson and George Strait and Brooks and Dunn.<br /><br />I love Kacey Musgraves but her choker ain't great.<br /><br />MALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR Thomas Rhett had a few big songs this year, as did Keith Urban. I'm going to predict Thomas. And it's Thomas Rhett! He seems like a good dude. <br /><br />5 right, 1 wrong<br /><br />Cole Swindell is performing. Meh.<br /><br />FEMALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR I would like to go to Miranda or Kacey but I think Carrie will take it. However, I've learned better than to vote against my girl, so I predict ML. Heyyyyyo, atta girl! "Short, sweet, and to the point. I love it" -Rachel <br /><br />6 right, 1 wrong<br /><br />Ronnie Dunn! So happy he and Kix are back together again. And he's singing! Gahhhh I love him and I love this song and I love his era of country music. The queen of country music? Obviously it's Reba McEntire. I don't know this girl she's singing with but if Reba vouches for her, I accept her. Also, Reba. does. not. age. Her hair gets a little flatter but besides that, she looks the same. She's 62 and doesn't look a day over 41. A little spiritual message? I expect nothing less from country music.<br /><br />In an interesting turn of events, FGL has recruited help from the Backstreet Boys, who haven't been cool since 1999. As someone who has embraced getting old i.e. going to bed early and doing puzzles at parties, I am exhausted for these guys who have to perpetually act like they're in their early twenties. Just read the newspaper and drink some prune juice, gentlemen. Tim McGraw seemed to like it though! He's adorable.<br /><br />ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR should go to Luke, Carrie, or Keith, but it's going to Jason Aldean? Hey Jason, why are you wearing earrings AND a necklace? It's just too much.<br /><br />6 right, 2 wrong<br /><br />There is the ACM Awards all wrapped up. Good night!</div>
Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-81478249969811165472016-10-07T17:12:00.000-07:002017-11-09T10:28:48.726-08:00The gyno visitGosh, it's been a while...did anyone miss me?<br />
<br />
I should be at home prepping for a hot date, given that it's 5:56 on a Friday night but I'm still at work because I love working and also my work computer has better speakers and thus, I can jam out harder here without the risk of neighbors being annoyed. Just coworkers, so it's no big deal.<br />
<br />
I'm doing <strike>whole30 </strike>hell30 again and I'm five days in and feeling strong! It's a good thing I'm the type of person that doesn't mind eating the same thing every day for a month because if I wasn't, this shit would be harrrrd!<br />
<br />
I went to the gynecologist the other day and informed the nurse that I was on my period. She said "okay" and didn't seem to think much of it. Well, she's an idiot. She told me to strip down and lay on the <strike>hard plank covered with stale white paper</strike> table while I waited for the doctor. I did as she requested and while I laid there and stared at the ceiling (by the way, why haven't gynos jumped on the bandwagon that dentists are all about and put a TV up there and provide you with headphones as a distraction while they're shoving something metal inside you - applicable for both situations, you're welcome), I could feel my period doing what it does best: dripping.<br />
<br />
I sat up abruptly. <i>Shit. What am I supposed to do?</i> My eyes searched frantically around the room, looking for something to save me from what is about to be extremely embarrassing. A towel, a tissue, a Q-tip - anything! drip. drip. I laid back down because what was I supposed to do? Not only is there not anything in that room, but what if there was? Was I going to hop off the table and run around with my little butt facing the door, grab something and jump back up there? With my luck, the doctor would come in mid nakey-adventure!<br />
<br />
drip. drip. drip. <i>YES I KNOW, could you slow it down for just a minute? </i>But she couldn't, because Aunt Flow knows when you're in a really precarious situation and likes to make the most of it. By the time the doctor came in with a handsome young man who was learning about gynecology, I was ready for the humiliation that was inevitable. It was a war zone down there and I knew it.<br />
<br />
"I'm on my period...and you guys made me wait for a long time." She nods her head and snaps on some rubber gloves, gently placing her hands on my knees. <i>No no no no no no n - well, she did it. </i>To her credit, she didn't gasp, cry, or faint. And fortunately for all parties, Ken doll was still looking at my chart and not my vag. She said "oh you ARE on your period" to which I responded sharply (because I guess embarrassment often presents itself as anger "I told you. And you made me wait a very long time."<br />
<br />
The cleanup of my period blood with three people in one tiny white room doesn't need to be described but needless to say, it was an adventure. I still stand by my decision to remove the tampon before I laid down, unlike my sister's suggestion to keep it in and then pull it out once the doctor was present. I didn't know that my situation could get any worse, but I do believe that that would have been worse.<br />
<br />
For more gynecology stories, visit www.just kidding,why would you want more of these stories??Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-52790737787307534742016-04-18T18:22:00.001-07:002018-04-16T15:19:18.372-07:00I'm in Utah now, should I change the title? It's been so long since I've written, probably because I have a real journal now so it feels more genuine when my thoughts are handwritten. But it also causes me to have hand cramps after twelve seconds of writing, so blogging truly is preferred.<br />
<br />
After almost three years on the east coast, it was time to return to Utah. Yes, Amber was about to have a baby and maybe that swayed me a little but he's so cute that it was worth it! Did she name him after me like I suggested? No. And what did I learn from that? That she's a bad friend. But alas, I still talk to her every day because she's the longest relationship I've ever had that wasn't forced (i.e. blood relation) as we're going on twelve years. Isn't that crazy? I met this girl when I was an teenager and thought it was a good idea to chug a six-pack of Red Bulls, pee standing up, dye her hair black when she was lonely one Valentine's Day, and major in Sociology. Oh, the decisions kids make. But over a decade later, she's still my best friend, despite her getting married and having a kid and moving on without me; I still love her. Gah, when did this become an ode to her?<br />
<br />
Back to me. I've returned to Utah and I'm going to be honest: it's nice to be near old friends again, and the mountains! At least one hike a week, if not three or four; it's just so lovely here. I do hate owning a car but since Utah has yet to create a public transportation system that's equivalent of New York's (its truly perfect – except for the constant urine stench), I have to have a car.<br />
<br />
Utah is great, I'm happy to be back and I'm not embarrassed to admit that even though the Dixie Chicks reunion tour isn't coming to Salt Lake until September, I've had my tickets since November. I love them that much.<br />
<br />
I'll try to keep up the blog more often, though you (Ash and Michelle) and I both know it won't happen. Just call me so I can put you on speakerphone and ignore you while watching "30 Rock."<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />
H<br />
<br />
<br />Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-91871895776864579452016-04-03T22:24:00.001-07:002016-04-03T22:24:58.560-07:00The 51st Annual Academy of Country Music Awards<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Here
are the hosts: Luke Bryan and Dierks Bentley. I won't mind looking at
these men all night. </span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
think Luke is adorable, but I do hate the sound of his voice. </span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Keith
and Nicole! They're adorable. </span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Carrie
Underwood looks good, though I still maintain that she is not near as
beautiful as everyone thinks. I also feel that way about Princess
Kate. Yes, boo me all you want. </span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Eric
Church and those damn sunglasses. I despise him. </span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">BLAKE! </span></span></span></span></span></strong><strong style="line-height: 0.25in;"><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
wish he was hosting this gig, even though I'm mad about him and Gwen
Stefani.</span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong style="line-height: 0.25in;"><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">This
song is not good! </span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Ahh!
Kacey Musgraves! I love her. Do yourself a favor and buy her album
"Pageant Material". </span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">This
song is about three minutes too long. </span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Let's
talk about Blake Shelton right now while he's performing. Yes, he's
handsome and sure he's funny as hell and maybe most of his songs are
sexy, but he chose Gwen Stefani over Miranda Lambert and I just can't
respect that. Okay, they are being freaky deaky about the coloring
right now. Everyone and everything is in black and white except for
Blake and it's freaking me out. Play that air guitar! This song is
boring.</span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Luke
and Dierks are out and Dierks' outfit is fiiiiiiine. He looks so much
better since cutting his hair. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Katy
Perry and Dolly Parton are sitting together! I am so excited about
this friendship. So
are Luke and Dierks – shout out! </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Chris
Stapleton isn't super amused by this event.</span></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Jason
Aldean is da worst. Take that mic away from him. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Thomas
Rhett is adorable but what is he drinking? Red solo cup in the ACM
audience? </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Charles
Kelley is great and let's not forget that I met him once. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Carrie
Underwood is annoying. Fine, she's talented and dresses well most of
the time but her personality is not my fave. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Old
Dominion is playing their hit single which I like.</span></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Kenny
Chesney, I was just informed, has pectoral injections. He has also
been wearing the same outfit since I started listening to country
music in 1997. Also, the lyrics behind you? No. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><u><br /></u></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><u>Best
Song: </u><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;">"Girl Crush" and I'm wrong! WTF Chris Stapleton, are
you going to sweep these awards tonight? I acknowledge your talent
and everything, but I want LBT and other peeps to win a little. 0 Right, 1 Wrong</span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Chris
Young is an asshole (My best friend Jo Dee Messina told me so) and
his vocals aren't great. However, I do like this song and Cassedee
Pope is adding to it. But Cassadee, I wish you would have thought
twice before getting that tattoo and putting on that sparkly wetsuit.
</span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Who
is this guy (Chris Janson, I've learned) and why is his facial
hair what it is? Fine, he sings "Buy Me a Boat" and I love
that song but I still don't approve of...him. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Eric
Church – I love this song but I'm glad that he sounds bad and looks
stupid with his stupid leather jacket with stupid glitter sleeves. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Dierks
is just hanging out in the audience performing which probably seemed
like a good idea in rehearsal but the truth is that the peeps look
awkward and its more uncomfortable than cool. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
love Little Big Town and especially Kimberly. Karen's fashion is
always a little too much for me. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">CAM
is now performing "Burning House", which I liked before I
heard it about 1, 673 too many times on the radio. But let's talk
about her hair: it's fantastic. I wonder if Kimberly of LBT's hair
feels threatened by another blonde 'fro in the industry. Also, where
are her boobs? That dress is confusing me. I've just decided that I
like her, but this is a trial period so her next song better be good
and when the money comes, I expect for her fashion choices to
improve. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Miss
America is sporting early 80's hair and I'm happy about it. I also
love her dress. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><u>Single
Record of the Year:</u><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;"> My guess is "Girl Crush" and it's actually "Die A Happy
Man" by Thomas Rhett which I'm totally fine with, that's a good
jam, yo. </span></span></span></span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">0 Right, 2 Wrong</span></span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;">"Holy crap, God...that's a bad sentence" he seems genuinely surprised and excited, which I'm
happy about. </span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Jason
Aldean: I still hate you.</span></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 0.25in;">GARTH
GARTH GARTH – dammit, I thought he was going to perform but he's
just announcing a winner. I'll take it anyway. He's da best, always
has been always will be. </span><span style="line-height: 24px;">Addendum</span><span style="line-height: 0.25in;">: he wasn't the best when he did his
Chris Gaines stunt.</span></span></span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Album
of the Year: Chris Stapleton – and i'm right! </span>1</span></span></span></span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"> Right, 2 Wrong</span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"> </span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Cole
Swindell: I would like you if you didn't always insist on wearing a
hat that sports your initials. He doesn't sound great and dem jeans
are VERY tight. Update: that hat is not for his initials, it's for
Georgia Southern, the college he went to. That makes me like him a
little more but mostly it just bugs me that he insists on wearing the
same damn hat all the time. Don't believe me? Google image the kid. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Brett
Eldredge is performing now. Yes, he's attractive, but I follow him on
Instagram and he's pretty annoying – he's about to be unfollowed by
me. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Keith
Urban is adorable and he's playing the banjo! Atta boy. That wind
machine is a little much but I still like him.</span></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
love Little Big Town so much. Karen's outfit is so bad, it's worse
than I predicted it would be. I love this big band thing that they're
doing, they're just jamming! They look like they're having a good time and also I love everything they do. Audience:
get more into it, they're awesome. And for the record, I would
definitely wear Kimberly's dress. Guys, I love it. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Kelsey
Ballerini did a fine job but then she turned around and put a weird
cape on her legs. And why does the cameraman instead on panning over
audience members that don't even know the song? Ees no good. Nick
Jonas is cute and can hit the high notes but I'll never forgive him
for not letting me interview him at Sundance.</span></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">LBT
is introducing Tim McGraw's new song “Humble and Kind” and I do
like this song and I already like the performance – it's simple and
clean. Who are all these people? I'm going to go ahead and downgrade
my review of this performance on account of that weird part that Tim
seems so proud of. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Charles
Kelley is performing as a solo artist for the first time on the ACM
Awards and while I always believed that he was the most talented
member of Lady Antebellum, I do hope they continue to make music together as
a band. At the same time, if they break up, then people will stop
paying attention to Lady Antebellum and realize that LBT is the best
band in country music.</span></span></span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Martina
McBride looks beautiful, as always. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><u>Vocal
Group of the Year:</u><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;"> LBT – YES YES YES YES YES YES I love them so
much! Let's be honest though, this was no competition. </span><span style="text-decoration: none;">2</span></span></span></span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"> Right, 2 Wrong</span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"> </span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong style="line-height: 0.25in;"><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Kimberly
changed clothes and her outfit is so great! Gahhh! Meantime, Karen is
wearing weird sleeve puffs.</span></span></span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Why
have I not seen Miranda Lambert this whole night and yet I have seen
a solid 4 minutes of stupid audience members? Unacceptable. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Carrie
Underwood is channeling an Edward Scissorheads scene up in here and
it's whatever. Nope, the longer this performance goes on, the more I
hate it. Come on Carrie, go back to the big beautiful gown and the
ballad, that's how I like you best. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><u>Female
Vocalist of the Year: </u><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;">Miranda Lambert and yesssss! I love her winning
and everything she does and I will forever hate Blake Shelton for
giving up on that. </span><span style="text-decoration: none;">3</span></span></span></span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"> Right, 2 Wrong</span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"> </span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sam
Hunt is channeling late boy band/early Justin Timberlake with the
total whiteout and if that didn't tell you how I feel about it: I
don't like it. I didn't like the performance, or song. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Thomas
Rhett is now singing “Die a Happy Man” and I prefer this
performance 1000x to what Sam Hunt just attempted to pull off. His
wife is watching him so proudly and adorably. Well done, Thomas. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Our
girl Miranda has won 25 ACM awards – atta girl! I'm not sure I'm in
love with this song choice, but she looks good and she sounds good
and Blake can suck it. Great job, Ran (that's what people who are
close to her call her). </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;">Nancy
O'Dell is announcing </span><u>Male Vocalist of the Year </u><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;">and it's going to
Chris Stapleton – aaaand I'm right. </span></span></span></span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;">Nancy, your
dress is making your boobs look weird. </span></span></span></span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;">4</span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"> Right, 2 Wrong</span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"> </span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
love Kacey Musgraves and I love Katy Perry and I loved the movie “Coat
of Many Colors” and yes, it made me cry. Dolly Parton is the best!
This speech is adorable and I literally have nothing bad to say about
her. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">This
song gives me the chills every time. That was too short....”Jolene”!
This song is also great! Yeah, another song! I'm delighted about this
collaboration of talent and songs! Baby Dolly is adorable. Sure,
Katy doesn't sound great, but I'll love her anyway. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">FGL
is performing and my disdain for them to continues, mostly just for
the long-haired fellow. His locks are perpetually greasy, I want to
commit the crime of shaving his head in his sleep. I wouldn't even be
sorry about it and I would tell the judge that. Also, I thought they
were going to be a one hit wonder and I'm pretty disappointed that
they weren't. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Chris
Stapleton is singing with his wife and it reminds me of Clint Black
and Lisa Hartman Black's “When I Said I Do”. Funny story about
that song: When Clint wanted Lisa to record that song with him she
initially refused, saying that she wasn't a singer. Clint responded
by telling her that that was fine, he would go record it with Faith
Hill. Lisa then agreed that she would do the song. They have been
married since 1991. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Miranda's
boy toy is hot and younger than her; get it girl. </span></span></span></span></span></span></strong>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<b><u><br />
</u></b></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><u>Entertainer
of the Year: </u><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;">Garth Brooks – no! Jason Aldean was the worst of all
of those choices! </span></span></span></span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;">4</span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"> Right, 3 Wrong</span></span></strong><strong><span style="color: #3d3d3d;"><span style="font-family: Cambria, sans-serif;"> </span></span></strong></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="line-height: 0.25in; margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br />
</div>
Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-55357670863968624732015-04-19T21:34:00.002-07:002015-04-19T21:34:26.880-07:00THE ACADEMY OF COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDSHere we goooooooooooooooooo!!!<br />
<br />
Blake and Luke, you are looking sharp.<br />
<br />
Keith Urban and Eric Church are doing some kind of duet and as always, I hate Eric. Someone once told me (Kenzie?) that he has to wear those dumbass aviators to protect his eyes from the stage light or something and I don't care, I want him to get pupil replacement so he doesn't have to continue to offend me with those sunglasses.<br />
<br />
Keith is singing "Raise 'Em Up" which is a fantastic song. Look it up. (Gotta take a break to eat my General Tso chicken)<br />
<br />
T. Swift is dancing in the crowd? What a surprise!<br />
<br />
THIS IS THE MOST ATTENDED LIVE AWARDS SHOW OF ALL TIME! YES COUNTRY MUSIC!<br />
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People are being recognized for major accomplishments in country music. Garth, Kenny, Miranda, Reba, Taylor and now they're about to announce someone. It's gonna be King George, we know this, here we go - yep! GEORGE STRAIT! Did I ever tell you that I sat second row for him in high school? I was actually kicked out of that concert, funny story for another time, he's singing..<br />
a mashup? Yes please! I gotta put my Chinese down, this is more important.<br />
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Doesn't he look so great? Such a sharp dresser, such a classy man.<br />
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It's weird that I don't hate Big and Rich. You would think that I would, but I kinda love them, they're like an older and more experienced and hell of a lot less annoying version of Florida Georgia Line - with better voices, better haircuts, better personalities, okay, they're not at all like them.<br />
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Okay, I just finished off my meal and I'm ready to give this blog my full attention. A Garth Brooks World Tour featuring Trisha Yearwood commercial just came on and I'm going to see if I can be part of it. And by that I mean that I'm going.<br />
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FGL are the worst. Actually, just the main guy is the worst, little Prince Harry is just in bad company, like, really bad company. They have chosen to light the stage of fire, but they're forgetting that Miranda invented and perfected that several years ago, see <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBvZQeWqIaE">HERE.</a> My friend Jordan, who has never heard of them just said "Yeah, eh, they're not that good". I KNOW! When referencing how much I hate the guy's hair, I realized that I don't even know their names; that means something.<br />
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Okay, my apologies, I don't think much more negativity will be happening, because the two acts that I struggle with the most have already performed.<br />
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Lee Brice, I love. And of course I love this song. He is well dressed, well groomed, and wearing a cross, so he's a Jesus lover. And if you don't have his album, you should.<br />
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Why did Randy Travis look surprised when they called his name? He looks nervous or scared or sickly. But Randy, I will love you forever and ever, amen. Oh yikes, Jordan just informed me that he had a stroke and has had some serious medical issues so....my bad.<br />
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<b>SONG OF THE YEAR:</b> I predict that it's going to "Automatic" by Miranda, though I do think there are some strong contenders. I even don't hate that Eric was in the category. And the winner is - Miranda! She is looking so classy! I like her outfit and her hair and she looks tan! I liked that she is letting her cowriter speak, that's kind of her. She has a daughter named Sammy Jo? That's country music, ya'll. <b>1 Right, 0 Wrong</b><br />
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I'm going to be honest here, I got Sam Hunt and Sam Smith confused for a month or so. I hadn't heard any of either of their music and just heard of this young, hot artist named Sam with a one syllable last name. I feel like it's an honest mistake. I'm a little embarrassed about that but I certainly know the difference now, and by the way, I would let Sam Hunt take my time.<br />
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Another concert commercial but this one is for FGL and Jordan, who was just introduced to them, announced (unprovoked) "I don't like them!"<br />
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Tommy Romo, his ears are so big he can't even fit a hat on front ways.<br />
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Having Luke and Blake host this event was a good idea.<br />
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"Blake, we're the Dallas Cowboys, we have real balls"<br />
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Dierks is so hot. Oh yeah, and he's talented.<br />
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The Band Perry: as always, Kimberly looks great and her brothers need haircuts. I have nothing more to say.<br />
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<b>VOCAL DUO OF THE YEAR: </b>Stupid Florida Georgia Line will win. Gag. This is one award I'm not happy I'm right about. <b>2 Right, 0 Wrong</b><br />
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Miss America 2015 is presenting and I like her dress. Jordan "That's Miss America? I've seen better"<br />
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MARTINA MCBRIDE IS GONNA SING "INDEPENDENCE DAY" and she looks fabulous. She doesn't age and I love that Jordan is tapping his foot to the beat; that's the sign of a great song. Let freedom ring, always let Martina sing. I cannot emphasize how much I love her. Martina, Martina, Martina. It feels like there is a 90's throwback theme and if Jo Dee gets on stage, I'm going to keel over.<br />
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We get it Taylor, you know the song. That old man wants to watch MM, not you. Please note: I appreciate Taylor as a musician and even as a person, just not as an audience member.<br />
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Now, I like Luke Bryan, he is adorable in all the best ways. But, have you ever had a snot glob stuck in your throat and it makes you talk froggy until you cough or swallow it? I think Luke's voice is like that...forever.<br />
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Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara - Reese is adorable. And they're giving Miranda Lambert a Milestone Award, which she definitely deserves. Jordan "She looks effing smoking" I don't really go for the corset look, but I love this jam and like a proud momma, I am happy for my little Ran (that's what her friends call her, so that's what I call her). I love me some "Little Red Wagon", sorry Kenzie. I get a kick out of the way she says swagger.<br />
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Oh Taylor, you don't know this song? Too bad.<br />
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Jordan "Hot stuff"<br />
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The most awarded female in the history of the ACM's. Wowza Miranda.<br />
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Jesus is getting a lot of shout outs tonight.<br />
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Alabama! "They're old as shit" says Jordan. While that may be true, I'm mostly concerned that they don't know what their hair looks like. Like, really.<br />
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<b>VOCAL GROUP OF THE YEAR:</b> I think Little Big Town gets it this year. Why are Rascal Flatts nominated? They're just there to fill a slot I feel like. Yes, they won! Not only am I proud that I was right, but I love them and feel they genuinely deserve it. Oh, and they're dressed to win, so many people could learn from them. OH MY GOSH, Kimberly's dress! Yessssssssssss!!! And as always, her hair. Everyone else is looking sharp too. <a href="http://theboot.com/little-big-town-2015-acm-awards-vocal-group-of-the-year/">See here. </a>Damn, they're so great. Please listen to the songs "Quit Breakin' Up With Me", "Painkiller", and "Good People". <b>3 Right, 0 Wrong</b><br />
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Jason Aldean is performing...no comment.<br />
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KELLY CLARKSON! Yes, her hair is bad and she has gained weight and blah blah blah I love her. And I love Reba so much that it hurts "She's a badass" says Jordan (he has a potty mouth, if you can't tell). But really, I love Reba and every song she's singing. Her voice hasn't aged at all, it's always weird, like she got vocal botox or something. Also, I fancy the way her mouth twists around her words, especially in those last few words of the song.<br />
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I'm not mad about it, I'm just curious as to where Jo Dee is. Did her invitation to perform and receive a Milestone Award get lost in the mail?<br />
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Blake just properly introduced LBT. Also, I love that they're singing this song, despite the negative publicity it has been getting because people are idiots and not listening to the words. Little Big Town forever. I actually mean this, I have loved them for over fourteen years now and I'm not going to give up on them like the some of conservative America. Dixie Chicks, anyone? Step off soap box. Karen's vocals are on point.<br />
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I will say the same thing about Cole Swindell that I've said before: I do not condone persons wearing self-promoting apparel.<br />
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Now Taylor is getting a Milestone Award and all I can think about is how her hair is always beautiful. If I could choose between having her voice and her hair, I would pick her hair. They're having her mom present her the award and that's pretty cute.<br />
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I like her dress and also, coincidentally, her hair. But I don't like her speech. It's so mysterious that I love and despise her at the same time. It's mostly love, but man can she give me the heebeejeebees.<br />
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Michael has entered the room and even though he doesn't care at all about country music, he has declared that he doesn't like Thomas Rhett because "he doesn't seem country". I, however, like Mr. Rhett because I dig his outfit and how dancey he's being.<br />
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Let's remember when Blake Shelton had a mullet and was just awkward. So much so in fact, that he was #2 on People.com's Most Stunning Country Star Transformations. See <a href="http://www.people.com/people/package/gallery/0,,20316530_20641055_21227980,00.html">here</a>.<br />
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Rascal Flatts are going to perform with Christina Aguilera and confusion, that's all I'm feeling about everything that's happening right now. Also, her bum is so big! I'm confused about that, too. A drum line as well as a gospel choir? They're really bringing out as many distractions as they can so we will forget about all the musical weirdness that's actually happening. I acknowledge that she's a good singer, but do we ever actually understand what she's saying?<br />
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Clint Black!<br />
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<b>ALBUM OF THE YEAR:</b> I think Miranda's "Platinum" is going to win, though I wouldn't mind seeing LBT take it home. Atta girl! Does she get sick of winning? She shouldn't, she absolutely deserves it. Also, she brought her producer up and I love that she is giving credit where credit is due. <b>4 Right, 0 Wrong</b><br />
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Nancy O'Dell just called Garth Brooks her "great friend"; she wishes.<br />
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Garth is now performing and google has told me that he's coming to Pennsylvania this weekend. Guys, in six days I might be in PA rocking out to Garth telling me all about how his dream is like a river and he has friends in low places.<br />
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Oh, have some soldiers standing and saluting is what country music is all about. Conservative, patriotic, honoring our veterans. <br />
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Oh Garth, you legend, you.<br />
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<b>NEW ARTIST OF THE YEAR: </b>There are only three nominees in this category and I genuinely don't know. It's either Sam or Cole. Sam or Cole, Sam or Cole, ahhhhhhhhhh Sam? Gosh darn it! It was Cole! I mean, congratulations Cole! <b>4 Right, 1 Wrong</b><br />
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Jake Owen got a haircut and it looks great on him! Handsommmmmeeee!<br />
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<b>FEMALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR: </b>is gonna go to Miranda, hands down. Jordan "Miranda is sweeping this shit, dude". I can't get over how much I like her outfit. I know it's impossible to ask people to cry every time they get awards, especially when they win as often as Miranda does, but I do wish they would.<b> 5 Right, 1 Wrong</b><br />
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I feel like Kenny Chesney is stored in a vacuum sealed tanning bed off the coast of Mexico where he doesn't age and he just drinks beer and tickles his toes with sand. Then, every once in a while, they tell him he should do a concert or an appearance so he hops out, throws on the only tank top and whitewashed jeans he owns and a cowboy hat and does it. Then he returns immediately to his anti-aging bronzing machine. Jordan "He has looked the same for a long time, he really has".<br />
I wonder if his arms have some sort of weird allergy to fabric.<br />
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Lady Antebellum is performing and it's strange to me that they didn't put Hilary in the middle, that's usually their setup, but good for them for changing it up! They're talented, I like jamming to their songs, but they never blow me away. I don't think Hilary is that impressive of a singer or that their songs are bold or crazy creative, they're just consistent and safe, which has been successful for them. But I prefer another band with a little more oomph if you know what I (who I) mean.<br />
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<b>SINGLE RECORD OF THE YEAR: </b>This is gonna be a hard one, it's either Miranda or Lee, maybe Dierks? No, Miranda or Lee. Um, Miranda? It's Lee! I'm not even mad about how I was wrong because I think he deserves it and Miranda probably wants a break for a minute. Good man, Lee.<br />
<b>5 Right, 2 Wrong</b><br />
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Dan & Shay are performing with Nick Jonas and I think I'm going to enjoy it. I like all of these men, though I don't like any of their hair right now. And Nick, that's quite the falsetto, geez!<br />
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Side note: Where is Carrie?<br />
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Jordan "I want them to do a Survivor: Homeless People Edition"<br />
Me "Why?"<br />
Jordan "'Cause they survive on the streets...looking for food...I think it would work!"<br />
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I want Trisha Yearwood to be my aunt.<br />
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<b>MALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR: </b>Either Luke or Blake - and it's Jason?!?! Sonofabitch.<br />
<b>5 Right, 3 Wrong</b><br />
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In remembrance of the Oklahoma City Bombing that happened twenty years ago today, they have Alan Jackson singing his "Where Where You When the World Stopped Turning?". I love this song and I love Alan. Beautiful.<br />
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Brad Paisley is crushin' it.<br />
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Wtf, why is Dr. Phil here?<br />
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Brooks & Dunn are singing "My Maria" and I really want to have a sit down conversation with them about why they decided to break up. I can't and don't want to understand it, I just want them to hug it out and start making great music together again. Ronnie and Kix - PLEASE! Ronnie, you're still hitting that note you talented old fart. I don't know what their stage setup represents or means but I love it.<br />
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The greatest duo in country music history? Sure, I'll go with that.<br />
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Steven Tyler - I have no words.<br />
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<b>ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR:</b> I'm going to give it to my girl, ACM's please agree with me................dammit! Luke Bryan deserves it, he's a good entertainer with his froggy voice, but I hate that my final score is now <b>5 Right, 4 Wrong.</b><br />
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Overall, great show and I loved the throwback to the 90's. But seriously, where was JDM?<br />
<br />Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-903089215722277112015-04-01T16:08:00.003-07:002015-04-01T16:14:57.538-07:00The Glamorous Life Yes, I live in New York. Yes, I love it. Yes, this cold winter has been a serious bitch but I do still love the city. Can we just skip all the basics? I have a job or three, I'm no longer homeless, my hair is getting long and I was front row at Miranda last Saturday night.<br />
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The real reason you clicked on this link and the real reason I'm still at work: for my story to be heard. Here you are:</div>
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I work for a Broadway Producer (job #1), she is very kind and a little demanding but honestly, it's fine because she's nice about it and then she lets me hang out with Lily Tomlin and Rosie O'Donnell and go to Broadway shows for free so I don't mind. Working for her is like "The Devil Wears Prada" except that she's not a super-bitch like Meryl (but not the real Meryl, because we all know that she is probably the best in real life).</div>
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Occasionally (frequently), I have the pleasure of grocery shopping for her. Like most of us, she is a creature of habit and gets the same things from the store. One of them is unsweetened vanilla almond milk. I also indulge in vanilla milk, but I like the sweetened kind - more sugar, please!</div>
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The other day I was at Costco and hit the motherload when I bought a box of sweetened vanilla milks, a dozen for probably two dollars. I get home and pour myself some cereal, only to realize that I had gotten the yucky unsweetened kind. But then I realized that this wasn't a total loss, it was an opportunity! The Producer likes the unsweetened kind, so I'll just wait until she wants some, and I'll go out and buy myself the sweetened kind (same price) and give her mine and use the money to buy me the kind of nut milk that I'll enjoy. It's a win-win for both of us, but mostly me because I'll actually kinda be making money off this scheme. Please note: this was not done to make money, it was done to avoid wasting all that milk that I wouldn't drink that she would. It was done with the purest of intentions. </div>
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So I wait.</div>
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And wait.</div>
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Finally the request comes. She would like me to purchase her four unsweetened vanilla almond milks</div>
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I have to work at the restaurant first (job #2) so I pack my bag with four UVAMs (unsweetened vanilla almond milks) and head out for the day. I get to work and get dressed and find that stuffing my bag of milk boxes into a small locker along with my clothes and other belongings is difficult. When there's a will there's a way. I finish work, pull out my awkward and surprisingly heavy bag, throw it over my shoulder and head to the store. </div>
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Now, the Producer actually prefers the Trader Joes version of UVAM but they often don't have it, in which case she allows me to buy her the Blue Diamond kind, which is the kind I got from Costco. In perfect correlation with my plan, I get to Trader Joes and find they are out of their version of UVAM, but they have the Blue Diamond kind. Perrrrrfect.</div>
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Are you following? Now's the part when I buy the sweetened milks and switch them out with the unsweetened milks and give her the receipt and the kind she likes and I get to go home with what I like. It's not that complicated, keep up.</div>
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Eager to get this task done - the bag full of UVAMs is heavy and my shoulder is cramping in pain - I pull one of the Costco milks out of my bag, take a picture of it and send her the following text and get the following response:</div>
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She doesn't like that kind anymore. So I add four more UVAMs to my bag for her, along with two SWAMs for me 'cause I'm already at the store and I'm already carrying more milk than a mother nursing quadruplets so why not?</div>
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Fail. Now my shoulder really hurts and I still have approximately seventy-two UVAMs just taking up my space and my patience. Blerg.</div>
Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-11197127647274050482014-11-07T11:12:00.001-08:002014-11-07T11:12:33.659-08:00Has it really been that long? I can't believe I haven't blogged since my awkward encounter with Kelli O'Hara! That feels like decades ago! Guys, I'm so sorry! I'm also sorry that I did NOT write a CMA blog post. I'm currently homeless and crashing with two old people that I had to bully into letting me watch the CMA's and I was nervous that if I had my computer out, they would think that I wasn't watching it and change it to CSI: Provo or one of the many versions of that show. But seriously, why are there so many versions? And why do old people like it so much?<br />
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Oh, you like how I just threw in the homelessness? Well, much as changed, as you probably know. A combination of factors (mostly a book "Confessions of a Latter-day Virgin"and a broadway play "If/Then") inspired me to change up my life and do something cool and exciting. Thus, I moved to New York. Wahoo! Granted, I've only been here for a few weeks, but I LOOOOOOVE it! My favorite occurence thus far went a little something like this...<br />
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I'm sitting at Starbucks on Monday afternoon after attending a taping of "The View". I'm just minding my business with my earbuds in and my fingers prancing across the keyboard of my laptop when a lady asks if she can sit at my table. I approve and scoot my stuff out of the way. She places her belongings down and gets working on cleaning some chocolate off her hand with a napkin. I watch her creepily over the top of my laptop as she successfully cleans most of her hand but seems unaware of a huge glob between her fingers. She puts the napkin done as if she's finished and starts to play on her phone. I can't stop myself from pausing my music and telling her that she still has chocolate on her fingers. She looks and can't see it. I tell her to flip her hand over, she flips it the wrong direction. This goes on for too long until I laugh and say "Girl! You've got a giant glob of chocolate in between your fingers" and lean over and point to it. She uses the napkin to wipe the offending candy off her hand and looks up to thank me. We make eye contact and I say "Do I know you?"<br />
"If you are of a certain age, you do." she responds<br />
It takes me just a blink to realize and say "You're the aunt from Sabrina the Teenage Witch!"<br />
"Yep. Aunt Hilda. I'm Caroline Rhea."<br />
"Cool"<br />
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silence<br />
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She gets called up to get her coffee. I quickly update my gchat status to say "celebrity encounter: THE AUNT FROM SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH IS SITTING WITH ME AT STARBUCKS RIGHT NOW!"<br />
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she sits back down and must see the guilty look on my face "Did you just type to someone that you are sitting with me?"<br />
"No" I lie.<br />
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silence<br />
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"Sooo, are you still acting? Oh! Is that offensive?"<br />
"No, it's not offensive, I am. I'm a comedienne so I do shows now. I have a six year old daughter so I took time off for her"<br />
"Cool"<br />
"What do you do?"<br />
"Nothing"<br />
"What do you mean you do nothing? What do you want to do?"<br />
here it is, no regrets, right? You'll always wonder 'what if?' (see broadway show above) "Actually! I would love to do something in television!"<br />
"Oh really? Do you have any experience?"<br />
"Nope, but I have a lot of skills and I know I would love it"<br />
Blah blah, she asks me about my work history and I tell her. She then asks me if I have a resume and of course I don't, but she tells me to tweet at her and she will see what she can do. She kindly reminds me that the pay is really crappy (I quote "Nothing. They pay you nothing!") She says that she can't make any promises but that "you never know" (really, this broadway show has changed my life) and walks out of Starbucks, and my life.<br />
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I love celebrities. I was tomato red and my face was the temperature of a hot pocket fresh out of the microwave the whole time we were talking. She was really nice and could have just left or said "good luck!" but she was kind and at least pretended like she will consider helping a sister out.<br />
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So yeah, Caroline Rhea.<br />
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In other news, I finally got an apartment and will be living on the Upper East Side starting tomorrow. Finally! And I spend most of my days in Starbucks these days because the internet is free and the steamers are hot...if you order them extra hot.<br />
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I get to wear hats all day every day 'cause it's cold as hell and I don't wash my hair.<br />
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So, I'm a New Yorker now. Does that make me cooler?Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-68373188746443259772014-08-27T21:23:00.000-07:002014-08-28T17:56:13.816-07:00Kelli O'Hara Living in the nation's capital means that we have a pretty rockin' Independence Day celebration, if you couldn't have guessed. They bring out celebs from all sorts of genres and have them do a concert on Capitol Hill on the 4th. Because it's such a big celebration, it draws a lot of tourists (guck!) but also because it's a big celebration that's televised, they want to make sure it's done right. Thus, they have a rehearsal the night before of the exact same concert, just minus the fireworks. I learned that the locals (me!) go to the rehearsal to miss the crowds on the actual night of.<br />
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I was babysitting Harry<br />
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and me and a few friends met up at the Hill to watch the rehearsal. While Kelli O'Hara was up on stage, the sky became dark and the mistiness that was previously sprinkling on us became large drops that were coming down much more aggressively. Kelli stopped singing, people were covering equipment and police officers raided the field, telling us that we were being forced into the Botanical Garden building next door. They were evacuating us because some major winds were coming our way. They weren't very nice about it either as they yelled at us to gather our stuff and get moving. I threw the bebe in his stroller and quickly heeded their request (I guess KATY PERRY isn't the only person I'm obedient to. I fear authority). We entered the small building and as I took the opportunity to walk around, having never been in it before, I realized that if we were there, so was the talent. I became acutely aware of everyone around me, until I saw her.<br />
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Broadway legend Kelli O'Hara was standing right in front of me, looking bored and playing on her phone, like most stuck in there were. I wanted a picture with her. I wanted to talk to her and tell her I know her work and I'm a fan and I look forward to seeing her in "The King and I" this fall. But I didn't, because it turns out, I kinda freeze (remember that <a href="http://ilikethesnowsoicandresswarm.blogspot.com/search?q=jo+dee+messina">one time I was a fool</a> in front of JDM or when I stood directly in front of Idina Menzel<br />
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and didn't even say hi) in front of celebs - I just love them so much.<br />
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For the next hour, while the rain pounded on the glass ceiling and the winds riled up the trees outside, I was conscious of where Kelli was, but didn't dare approach her. When there was a slight moment that I was actually paying attention to my friends and lost sight of her, I heard her say "Excuse me" as she wanted to pass me through the small hall. I moved quickly and she looked down at baby Harry, then back up at me and said "He's so cute!" to which I...didn't respond. I just didn't. Sometimes I think I'm cool, then things like this happen to me.<br />
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Here's one of the creepy pics I took of her.<br />
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Aren't you glad you're not a celebrity so I don't take creepy ass photographs of you? Until next time,<br />
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HHeathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-31519376798932235782014-08-27T20:41:00.001-07:002014-08-28T18:01:53.076-07:00KP It's come to my attention (through my dear friend Michelle) that I haven't blogged in several months. I guess I thought that between Twitter and FB and the gram, you guys didn't need any more of me...or maybe I'm just lazy. Either way, to those of you who enjoy reading my silly babbles, here's another!<br />
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It was just a regular Tuesday night, except that it wasn't. I had done something really brave and vulnerable (sent a handwritten letter to an ex-lovah) and I was feeling anxiety (is that what it is? I've never had it before. Basically it was me thinking a lot about something and wishing that I wasn't thinking so much about it. Anxiety?) and wanted to do something to occupy my mind. I remembered that KATY PERRY was in town that night and decided that I wanted to attend her concert. Ever since seeing her documentary "Part of Me" on netflix.com, I knew that seeing her live was something I neeeeeeded.<br />
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I sent out a text to a few people saying "KATY PERRY is in town tonight. Who wants to go downtown right now and try to scalp tickets? First one to respond wins" and within two minutes, my friend Alex said he was in. Since I was in pajamas - yes it was 7 pm - I changed quickly and we met at the metro. We took the 15 minute ride downtown and got off at the Gallery Place metro. We both had $80 cash on us and I told him that I didn't actually want to spend more than $70. I mean, I love KATY PERRY, but that much? I wasn't sure.<br />
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As we walked around the venue (the show had already started), we quickly caught the attention of a gentleman trying to sell us tickets. He asked for $180 a piece. I literally laughed.<br />
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"Lady, these are good seats. I bought them for $150 a piece, if I let them go for less, I won't even be making a profit"<br />
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"I understand, and I don't want to rip you off. I don't have that kind of money and even if I did, I'm not willing to pay that amount. Best of luck in selling them!"<br />
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We walked away. We started discussing how maybe we weren't going to get in because that was a high price and from the other scalpers that we saw making deals, they weren't asking much less. As we walked up and down the street, we considered where we may get dinner in the event that KP wasn't happening. We walked past our scalper again and he approached us.<br />
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"Okay, $140. $140 is a steal and I'm not making any money, I'll do it. For you, I'll do it"<br />
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"Sir" this is me, Alex it turns out sucks at negotiating, to be demonstrated later "I do not have that much money and I don't even care to see the concert that bad. I'm really sorry but you've got the wrong people."<br />
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"You're killing me! $110 and I really can't go any lower. My boss will kill me. $110, last chance."<br />
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"I don't want your boss to kill you and I don't want to cheat you for what you paid, I'm not paying that much, I only have $60 in my pocket (lie) and I'm not going over that. Sorry"<br />
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"$60?! You've gotta be kidding me! These are worth $150 a piece!"<br />
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At this point, I was becoming a little agitated. He was getting angry with me and I wasn't even the one who approached him! He kept coming back to me and I was trying to be respectful, allow him to sell them for what he thought they were worth to someone who was willing to pay it. But he was getting annoying.<br />
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"Sir! The show has already started! You and I both know that if you don't sell these tickets, you're going to eat that money you spent. I don't care, I really don't. I have $60 in my pocket and that's all I'm willing to spend on a ticket. If you don't like that, go sell them to someone else."<br />
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"Okay, okay, because you're so pretty, I'll do $90. Ah, I hate to do this, but the show <i>has</i> started and you're so pretty. What do you say, young man? Convince her to do it for $90. That's a steal! Look at these tickets! Look at them!" He then shows us genuine tickets that have $149.50 as the original price on them.<br />
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Alex "Heather, maybe we can run to the ATM. That's a really good deal."<br />
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"You can pay whatever you want, I'm not going above $60."<br />
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Alex, to the man "Would you do it for $70?"<br />
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"Okay, alright, fine. You seem like good people, we'll do it for $70 each and you guys are gonna have a great time"<br />
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"I'm not paying more than $60."<br />
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He smiles, impish, as if he's been caught "She's a tough cookie, eh?" elbowing Alex in the ribs "okay, $60 each." To me "You drive a hard bargain."<br />
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I was pleased with myself, <i>I'm such a hardass</i>, I thought as they scanned our tickets and we walked into the Verizon Center. As the usher took us down to our seats, just two rows up from the floor and right next to the stage, I did feel a twinge of guilt. These were really good seats that we just got for a really good price. But I didn't <i>make</i> him sell them to me.<br />
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KATY PERRY hadn't even started yet, so we grabbed some din din and then sat down for one of the best concerts I've been to. If you think, like Alex did, that you don't know very many KATY PERRY songs, you're wrong. This girl throws down some of the best sing-alongs you will get in concert. And she was fantastic. Yes, there were weird videos about cats and some costumes that were questionable but the people surrounding us were energetic and fanatic and I was singing so loud and still couldn't hear myself. And when she told me to wave my hands in the air, I did. And when she told me to sit down for her acoustic set, I did. And when she told me to get up and dance, I did. I'm very obedient to KATY PERRY.<br />
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Here's a vid, no zoom. If you haven't, watch her documentary. And if you get the chance, see her live.<br />
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<br />Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-64376910465325011882014-04-17T21:49:00.003-07:002014-04-17T21:49:34.645-07:00 "Steeeeeee-rike!" the umpire called from too close behind me. I rose from my squatting position and chucked the ball back to the pitcher. He lobbed it once more and with a dipped swing, the ball went flying towards center field. I jumped up to watch the commotion as our center fielder went chasing after it, sending the runner on second to third. As he wheeled around third and started sprinting towards me, I looked to receive the ball. He was halfway to me when the second baseman got the ball and saw what was happening. I called for him to throw it to me and with the lift of his left leg, he threw it hard. I caught the ball and turned back to the runner, who was just inches from me now. My right hand was in my mitt as well, ensuring that what I was about to do wouldn't cause me to drop this precious bright green softball. I stood over the plate and outstretched both of my arms, slamming my mitt, the ball, and both hands into his shoulder as he tried to slide into home.<br />
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"Owwwwwwwwwww-t!" And it was our third out, the inning was over. I walked back to the dugout (bench just a few feet from the umpire) receiving pats on my back. It was a good play, and I couldn't have done it without my teammates, but I was still proud. My right hand hurt, pretty bad, but that happens.<br />
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It was my turn to bat soon after and as I reached down to pick up the dark green slab of metal, I found it hard to grip onto. I quickly decided against it, my hand needed a rest, so I opted out of the next inning and let the sub bat in my place. I shook it, squeezed it, tried to ignore it, waited it out, and eventually realized that the pain in my thumb wasn't going away. At least not for the rest of the game. I bowed out (leaving the game with that awesome play, mind you) and thought that some ibuprofen and icing would take care of my injured paw.<br />
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After four days of not being able to zip my pants, pump a soap dispenser, or pick anything up; not to mention the dull but constant ache, I decided to have an ER doctor look at it. (Despite my very best efforts, WebMD was just not doing the job!) He confirmed that it was a sprained thumb, also known as 'gamekeeper's thumb' and that it would need to be in this hideous thing for the next few weeks.<br />
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Wah wah. I guess it could be worse...though it would have been hard to convince me of that a few hours ago when I sat on the bench and watched my team lose our game, and without my help!Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-86705259039900058332014-04-11T21:30:00.000-07:002014-04-11T21:30:01.419-07:00MY History of Country Music When people find out that I'm from Portland, Oregon, they're always confused where my love for country music came from. Yes, 98% of the time people learn of my love for country music before they find out where I'm from.<br />
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For years, I have told the story of how I came to love country music. I have a terrible memory so tonight I decided to do some fact-checking to see if my story actually checks out. It does. Turns out, when you have a moment where you discover the beauty that is country music, that sticks in your head.<br />
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Once upon a time, ABC was premiering the Rogers and Hammerstein version of "<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_%281997_film%29">Cinderella</a>" featuring Whitney Houston and Brandy. I was obviously excited about this. I waited that whole day to see and record the event. I sat in my pajamas and when it began, with dedication I pushed record and stop on the VCR in all the right places. I knew that this was a movie I need to keep.<br />
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The movie was great, the music was fantastic and seeing Whitney Houston float around in a gold glittery dress brought nothing short of joy to my little soul. It ended and I was about to head to bed when another movie started. It was also making it's premiere that night on ABC, but this was not as fairytale as the previous one. It was, however, also multi-cultural (remember how in Cinderella, Whoopi Goldberg and Jason Alexander had an Asian son?), featuring Julia Stiles and Oprah Winfrey. It was called "<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/movies/movie/159854/Before-Women-Had-Wings/overview">Before Women Had Wings</a>". I don't know what compelled me to stay and see what that film was about (or why I proceeded to watch the entire thing, since it was definitely past my bedtime and had quite adult material for my age), but I did. In fact, I watched and recorded that whole movie too.<br />
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Are you waiting for me to get to the point? I'm almost there....<br />
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There is a scene in "Before Women Had Wings" where an old car is driving down a dirt road and Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" is playing in the background. (See <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h95gnrRMHBw&list=PLPQZo0KQMQr92TS9ps0PvAMYNpErEKP5o">here</a> at 13:30. Yes, I started watching the movie to continue my research and validate my story.) I remember hearing that song and turning around to my mom in the kitchen and telling her that I liked it. She laughed and insisted that I didn't, but I knew that I did.<br />
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And there it is. It was November 2, 1997 and I was eleven years old when I began my longest lasting relationship to date. I soon after discovered The Judds, Trisha Yearwood, Reba McEntire, Travis Tritt, Garth Brooks, the Dixie Chicks (thanks to Kim and Kristy Scott) and the other 90's hit-makers.<br />
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So my joy began. It shocked me tonight when I did my research to find that all of the pieces fit together and that my story really was true.Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-61389715542937115792014-02-10T22:13:00.000-08:002014-02-10T22:13:15.838-08:00Extra! Extra! I heard that the television show "Nashville" was casting for extras and since I was already planning on going down for this week, I figured it was fate. I sent an email with a "headshot" ie facebook photo and immediately got an email back asking me to come down and play the part of Parent Audience. I wasn't sure what Parent Audience entailed, but I was pretty sure I could guess and I was also pretty sure I didn't like it. I suddenly felt like Jenny Maroney being cast as the middle-aged woman, agh!<br />
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I quickly stumbled over that pride block because my love for the city of Nashville, television and the television show "Nashville" was bigger than my ego. I woke up this morning and packed my Trader Joes bag with a book, headphones, and two extra outfits (Oh yeah, I drove down to Tennessee on Saturday) and headed to The Factory where I naively assumed I would walk in and see Connie Britton and Hayden Panettiere laughing and sipping on their morning coffee while men in all black ran around with cameras. I <i>actually</i> walked in to a large warehouse lined with tables and chairs and a bunch of ordinary people; we call them non-actors in Lorne Michael's world. There were two lines of people being helped by two staffers. I got in the left line and watched as the right line went significantly faster than mine. I kid you not, this always happens to me. I don't think I've ever gotten in the faster line. One time, whilst in a hurry with my friend at Target, I got in line to make my purchase and she ran to the bathroom. Then she decided to grab and pay for a candy bar. She returned to me and I was still in line. I'm one of those unlucky ones.<br />
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Anywayyyyy, I finally get to the front and am greeted by a big bearded man who asks my name. I tell him and he looks down and says "Parent Audience?" and looks back up at me. At this point, he is either thinking one of two things: 1. <i>This girl is far too young to be a parent audience to these tweens attending this fake concert </i>or 2.<i> Look at the desperation in her eyes. She wants to be recast!</i> From one or both of these thoughts, he tells me that I am now just an audience member, a teen fan, and that I should promptly get in the wardrobe line to get my 'costume' approved.<br />
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I stand in another line of non-actors (some of whom have traveled out of state for this opportunity, some of whom are hoping that it will be their "big break". aye.) and am helped by a small stout woman who scrunches up her nose at my red jeans and white blouse and says "Show me what else you got". I drop to my knees and dig through my bag, producing the other two outfits I brought. She picked out what she liked and told me to change and then return to her. I glanced around for a bathroom and realized that the little tents that stood behind her were the changing areas. I got in, zipped up, stripped down, dressed back up and zipped out. Back in line. By the time I got to her again I don't think she recognized me but she glanced over my clothes, nodded at me and told me to have a seat.<br />
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I sat at a table of obvious Parent Audiencers and tried to read but couldn't focus because their conversations were intruiging. That didn't matter because we were quickly told to stand and shuffle into another line, out the door, and onto a bus. The bus shuttled us over to a church where we were greeted by a breakfast feast! Bacon and eggs and grits, oh my! Even though I had already had breakfast, I decided that it was best not to let this opportunity go to waste. I filled my belly with waffles and grits and not soon after was told that it was time to go. And not to take my coat. We walked three chilly blocks to the Franklin Theater, where "Layla Grant" was flashing on the sign outside.<br />
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The theater had 200 seats and we had less than that many people but the talented crew spread us out, stood us up and somehow made us look like we filled that whole room. I was moved from place to place and somehow ended up at the front, which, let's be honest, I was delighted about. Layla came out and while her hair and makeup and earpiece were fiddled with, we were instructed to cheer on command and stop when told. And just like that, we did. It was really funny, actually, to be in a silent room full of people who will scream and clap when you tell them, then stop on a dime. This scene was basically watching Layla perform and being delighted to be in her presence. They would start the song, tell us to cheer, she would lip sync, we would stop, her makeup and hair were fixed and we did it again. And again. And again. I counted six times that I heard that song before I stopped counting, or forgot how.<br />
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We moved to another scene between a fan, Will Lexington and Brent Whatever. We had to be silent during this filming so we didn't scrap the whole scene. They allowed us to sit for this, which I'm grateful for. The whole dialogue between them probably lasts 47 seconds, it took over an hour to film. All of us non-actors lounged in our seats reading, texting, sleeping. When the scene began again and one of the actors flubbed their line, I couldn't believe it! By then, I had all three parts memorized!<br />
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To their credit, the crew did a great job of entertaining us. There was one guy in particular, whose sole job might be to keep the extras happy and awake, who was great. He was making jokes and checking in to see if we were hungry or needed to pee but he too had to be quiet for the filming so it was just a lot of silence. After what felt like forever and I was no longer sure if my voice box even worked, we were told to resume positions. As I made my way to the standing area at the front of the stage, there was a tall cowboy in my way. "Excuse me" I said and Will Lexington turned to me, apologized and smiled and moved out of the way. While I have never been in love with him on the show, seeing him in person...yum.<br />
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I got back to my marker next to the obnoxious college students that ruined every third scene because they couldn't understand that the director yelling "Quiet in the front!" was aimed at only them. I was excited for a new scene, a new song, a new artist?? Layla came out again and we were instructed to do what we did, again. This is what would happen: We were allowed to sit down until they called "Rolling!" and then we stood up in position. "Background!" and we started cheering. The song played, Layla waved to a balcony that didn't exist, bowed and ran off the stage. The song ended.We cheered silently while some dialogue happened. They yelled "Cut!" and we sat back down. This routine repeated itself for another hour. I have now heard this song at least twenty two times. We were instructed not to sing along, but I couldn't really help it, it was ingrained in my brain.<br />
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They called for lunch, at 4 pm, and we were herded back across the street and into the church cafeteria. Will and Layla and Brant and some other actors were already at a table eating and while you would think people were starstruck or would at least bother them, no one did. We were hungry and probably tired of seeing poor, sweet Layla's face. By the way, she really does seem sweet, and kinda shy. Every time we started cheering for her, even though we did it two dozen times, she seemed genuinely startled and flattered each time. It was endearing.<br />
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I rolled through that line and piled my plate with pesto spaghetti, garlic chicken, rice, caesar salad and fruit and looked around like the new kid in high school. Most people came with friends or parents, but I came alone; which was fine. But I hadn't made any sort of vocalization but yelling "whoo!" and "Laylaaaaaaaa!"so I didn't have any friends to sit by. As I continued that deer in the headlights look while scanning for a seat, I didn't notice the young lady trying to pass me. "Excuse me, sorry, could I? Excuse me" and I turned to see Layla Grant with her own plate (seconds? No judgments) trying to get back to her table.<br />
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I found a spot and gobbled up my dinner. The crew started asking for volunteers to stay an additional eight hours (yes, it had been eight whole hours and we had shot two scenes) for an autograph signing scene outside. While a huge part of me wanted to be seeing and meeting Connie and/or Hayden or even Gunnar or Avery - love me some Avery - I knew what that would really entail: standing in the cold and watching the actors do their lines dozens of times. I didn't raise my hand.<br />
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I was shipped back to The Factory warehouse and filled out my paperwork for my check. Yeah, this gig was paying...a whoo hoo! and then I was released. I returned to Miley and Sam's house to find hot pizza waiting for me and even though I had just feasted, I ate again.<br />
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It sounds like I hated it, which I didn't. I actually loved it because I got to see how it all works, I got pretty far in my book, and I got paid to hang around and not have to speak to anyone. Oh! And there is a small possibility that my ear or left elbow or something will make it on your screen. It was definitely a lot of waiting and boring stuff and I wish I could have picked the people around me but I think it's an experience that everyone should have once. The biggest thing I'll remember from today is that I NEVER want to be an actor. Oh bother, it looks so tedious!<br />
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Anyway, that's my story of being an Extra! Extra!<br />
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For reference:<br />
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Will Lexington<br />
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Layla Grant<br />
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Brent Wh3dfkjsdf<br />
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<br />Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-39838351078069600402014-01-22T06:44:00.001-08:002014-01-22T06:44:26.718-08:00Nashville or bust?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;"> It was a year ago this week that I made the move to Washington, D.C. I have not regretted that decision as it turns out the east coast is awesome and the people here are pretty cool. A few weeks ago, I started to get the itch to get out, for fun? for adventure? for progression? for a new job? for Nashville?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;"> So I'm considering packing up little Nahla and driving her down to Franklin, TN and beginning a life in the South. A true vagabond living in the city she has always adored. Good idea? </span>Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-81294880274563535512014-01-04T21:14:00.002-08:002014-01-04T21:14:49.332-08:002014 New Year's Resolutions1. Read at least fifteen books this year.<br />
2. Only eat treats on the weekends.<br />
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Gulp.<br />
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3. Run a thousand miles.Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669168802131951428.post-36415245480483206662014-01-04T21:10:00.002-08:002014-01-04T21:13:19.905-08:00Ending 2013 in styleP-Town.<br />
Ladies and gents, my family:<br />
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Doesn't Leyla just embody Christmas morning joy in this picture? </div>
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Sisters knitting<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;"> (cough cough losers)</span></div>
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Just doing her own thing while the rest of the family is together. She's too cool for school. </div>
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I think Aunt Kim got more action here than she's had in a while...</div>
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Could she BE any cuter?</div>
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Grandma Ned with Ophelia at Peacock Lane.</div>
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Ophelia's faces!</div>
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She loves me, obvi.</div>
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The best part of the holiday season is donating your time and money to make it a good Christmas for another family. It's such a small sacrifice and it brings such joy, it's the true Christmas Spirit.<br />
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Kara and Leyla!</div>
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My family is cooler than yours. </div>
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Leyla was completely mesmerized by this "statue"</div>
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The grandbabies! Is it just me or does Ophelia look like a midget? Look at her legs!</div>
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Jack loooooooved his new stuffed platypus. </div>
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Princess Anna and Queen Elsa were very popular with the grandgirls, to say the least. </div>
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Fine, I loved them too! The movie is good!</div>
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My cookie decorating! Could this be my career, please?</div>
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I love when kids carry kids, it's so cute!</div>
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Christmas at home.</div>
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Basically, being home was great. I loved teaching the many children related to me new bad words and habits, chasing them around the house, and sneaking them extra treats. Their parents loved it, too. I ate too much, didn't exercise enough, slept more than I needed to and got more gifts than I deserved. Goodbye Oregon!</div>
Heathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02287120183470140685noreply@blogger.com1